29 Coffee Puns That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

What's the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.

By January Nelson

Updated 10 months ago, January 16, 2024

Coffee puns filled with a caffeine kick!

1. How are guys just like coffee?

The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

2. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?

I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

3. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?

I asked for coffee.

4. Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it was mugged.

5. How does a coffee lover hit on a woman?

I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

6. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

7. How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

8. What’s black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.

9. How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

10. What did the coffee lover name his son?

Joe, obviously.

11. What did the caffeine addict name his cats?

Cream and Sugar.

12. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?

You channel surf faster without the remote.

13. How does the serial killer like his coffee?

How he likes his women—all ground up.

14. What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

De-calf-inated!

15. Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?

Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

16. How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?

One person think its grounds for divorce.

17. What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?

Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

18. How is it a sin for a woman to make coffee?

The Bible clearly says “He-brews”

19. What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?

Java the Hut!

20. How do you make Pig Jerky?

Give them some coffee.

21. What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

22. What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They’re only good if they’re rich!

23. How is coffee better than a woman?

It goes down way easier.

24. A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.

The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

25. What did the horny woman say about her coffee?

That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.

26. Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?

He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

27. “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.

“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

28. People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning

No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

29. Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?

It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.

More Humorous, Punny Jokes

Below are more clever puns to share with loved ones and make them smile.