1. My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
2. Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
3. A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
4. What is Beethoven doing now?
5. Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.
6. Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
7. What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
8. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
9. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
10. What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
11. What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
12. What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
13. What’s the difference between and orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
14. What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
15. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
16. Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
17. What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
18. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
19. C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
20. How did the turkey win the talent show?
With his drum-sticks.
21. Which composer likes tea the most?
22. Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
23. What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
24. How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
25. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
26. Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
27. What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
28. What is the musical part of a snake?
29. How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
30. What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
31. What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?
32. What’s a composer’s favorite game to play?
Haydn go seek.
33. How many indie hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
34. Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
35. What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
36. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
37. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
38. How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
39. What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
40. What’s brown and sitting on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s last movement.
41. What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
42. How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
43. Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
44. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
45. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
47. What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
48. What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
49. My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
50. What do you call a singing laptop?
51. Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
52. Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
53. Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
54. A drum rolled down a hill.
55. How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
56. How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
57. How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
58. How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because noone ever watches the conductor!
59. Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
60. Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.