1. You’ve willingly said no to plans because of your dog.
Clubs? Gallery Openings? Even just a Bachelor party ten minutes from your place? HARD. PASS. You have a fluff ball of love to get back to and no one will stop you!
“Hey we’re all going to hit happy hour because they give away free drinks until 8 PM!”
“Oh I totally would but like…Bella needs me and I’d rather have her shed all over my black pants and slobber all over my arms right after I’ve showered so…”
2. You show off their pictures like they’re a child.
Someone is showing an adorable video of their two-year-old going to the bowling alley for the first time? Step aside. You found a plethora of tiny hats on etsy and spent a good chunk of your day off posing your dog with various top hats and sombreros. Everyone needs to see it, obvs. Yes that includes the Target checkout lady. Don’t judge.
3. You worry about them like crazy when you’re out of town.
It makes PERFECT sense for the dog sitter to let you FaceTime with them. Sure, they just end up barking at the screen because you’re not totally positive that they can even see things that are happening on aluminosilicate glass but STILL. It helps your heart and you only end up crying a little every time.
4. You swear they have opinions.
The scene in Best in Show where the pet shop employee has the audacity to suggest that a fish is the same as a bee hit way too close to home. Your dog would absolutely be able to tell the difference and would not have it. People these days…
5. Your dog goes to the spa more than you do.
Your roots are showing off more than the Kardashians on a yacht in Greece but Ivy needs a feather trim and also an ear cleaning? What to do, what to do? Well that four-legged love machine is going to get first dibs. It may seem ridiculous that a bath, haircut, ear cleaning, and nail file for a dog costs as much as a highlight; but beauty is PAIN, darling. Species be damned.
6. You’ve kicked people out of bed for them. Literally.
“Um no…there’s not room for you here. She sleeps at my feet and like…we have a system that doesn’t include a third party. I can call you an Uber I guess?”
7. But if they pay attention to someone more than you, you get some serious jealousy going on.
How DARE they go belly up for someone they’ve known for all of five minutes. Don’t they realize that you’re the one who has fed them every day for their entire lives?! Don’t they know about the panic that went over you when they were getting their first round of shots?! This is truly what betrayal feels like.
8. You’re on a first name basis with the vet because you freak out.
Any sign of something being off and you call the vet. You’ve texted her pictures, you’ve panicked about a chocolate chip, you’ve even considered taking in a puke sample because something was clearly off. Thank god for wellness plans because otherwise, you’d be totally broke.
9. You would never consider calling them “our dog” even if in a LTR.
There is no “our” about this situation. If this relationship goes to shit there will be no doggy visitation rights. This is YOUR dog. There’s nothing more to say about it.
10. You have more meaningful conversations with your dog than anyone.
What’s that? They don’t talk back because they don’t have the cognitive ability to understand what you’re rambling on about? Clearly you’ve never discussed the in’s and out’s of the Presidential campaign with your dog and honestly, I feel sorry for you. I came to some pretty big epiphanies about my career while brainstorming with my pup. Just sayin’.
11. You refuse to apologize for their bad behavior.
His barking is not annoying, that’s just him expressing himself. Her crazy compulsion to hoard socks is not a bad habit, it’s just quirky. They aren’t being awful by rolling in the grass straight after getting a bath, it CLEARLY feels good. Gosh guys, lighten up.
12. You would bring them everywhere if you could.
It’s a shame that not all dogs are as portable as tiny dogs. It would make it so much easier to bring her to brunch if she fit inside of a purse. I still refuse to get a dog stroller but like…I get it. Won’t buy one, but I get it.
13. It’s the OTHER dog that has the problem, not your’s.
There is such a thing as dog bullying in the dog world but your dog could NEVER be the bully. They’re just barking because the other one barked first. DUH.
14. You genuinely consider them your best friend.
Through thick and thin they’ve been there for you. Friends may come and go but their love is truly unconditional. They are always happy to see you, and always there to be cute as hell and put their head on your knee when you’re sad. They deserve the $10 chicken jerky because they’re honestly the best. And you will never be as good of a a person as your dog.