“I work in marketing and it’s taking over my life, I don’t know how turn it off, seriously, someone send help.”

You need to pretend that you know what you’re doing until you actually do. The only way anyone learns anything is by pretending that they knew how to do it…

Grabbing things with your toes and transferring them to your hands instead of bending down to pick them up.

You don’t give a monkey what people think about your tastes. You have no idea what the hot new bands are and you just don’t care.

The sodomy was clinical in nature, and thus concede to using the word with liberty.

When you tell somebody that they “look good today,” it’s important to realize that the more astonished you appear, the less of a compliment it becomes.

You need to stop handing out your heart like it’s free candy at the movies. It’s not. Your heart is the price of a Chanel store or, at the very…

“Of course I didn’t notice that you resemble the Elephant Man in my profile picture; I was distracted by how thin I look.”

Let’s talk about life here for a second. Spoiler alert: tons of people are going to have more money than you.

If you don’t like Bob Marley & The Wailers, or this song, then I don’t like you. That is all.

Are we supposed to be dating? Or are we more like good friends? Special buddies? No, not special buddies, that just sounds awkward. Hmm, maybe this is just about hooking…

There is a deep cultural premium put on the “cool” of indifference in my generation, and it’s a persona that I doubt I could ever even fake. Because I do…

I know we met on Grindr and all, but can you at least wait until the date is over before you open it back up? Sheesh.

I will never be the person you want. Not really. I can be a shadow of that person, striving really hard to actually get there. But I never will.

You can visit each other, you can Skype, you can do small things that make you feel connected to each other’s lives, but even those can sometimes seem like paltry…

Seriously, I hope he’s prepared to offer me workers’ comp because if he doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have to take medical leave from penis-related activity.

If you’re going to take a stranger home for sex, you must know how to get them out of your apartment the morning after. No one likes a one night…

Whatever this person is doing with their life, you no longer have the balls to do it. They’re quitting their job on a whim to go backpack through Asia. They’re…

Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.

When I have nasty acne, I tell myself that the people that love me would rather have me around than not have me around because I’m hiding out over a…

Blogging without making the requisite announcement/tag that you are now “drunk blogging.” Everything written while drunk blogging is acceptable.

Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to…

Famous only children include: FDR, Frank Sinatra, Lance Armstrong, and Elvis. Oh yeah, and some dude you may have heard of, goes by the name Jesus. You might remember him…

Feeling the discomfort of even mild politeness being received as an open invitation to follow you down the street or insist on continuing a clearly-unwanted conversation is something you don’t…

Does the shirt cover four inches of crotch/thigh area, AT LEAST? Are the leggings somehow embellished to make them more “pant-like”?

My face was buried deep in the pillow and I remember praising the lord and clinching the sheets, which of course only made him go at it even more. When…

Whether you like him in his clean-shaven, hopeful early days, or his scruffy, overgrown, widow-boning, depressed days, Noah is inarguably one of the greatest fictional boyfriends to ever not exist…

Height signifies, if not biological strength, then a glow of social supremacy.

Whenever I’m in a drinking situation and somebody new finds out that I generally stay away from alcohol, the first thing they do is tilt their head, furrow their brows…

Lend me your sweater with the vague-and-absolutely-correct notion that I will be keeping it.

I don’t not-love you in a way that deserves a song. I just don’t. It is the most anti-climatic thing in the world, falling out of love.

Come across something that you don’t need, need — but you’re convinced that you could really use (e.g. new bath towels, a Frappuccino maker, etc.). Place all of them in…

The “accepted” reason that herpes is not part of a standard screening is that unless you have an outbreak, herpes is generally harmless and it doesn’t affect your quality of…

I know, if I am being honest with myself, that my harshest judgments and strictest standards are almost always reserved for other women, by reflex that I often cannot realize…

Andrew WK makes freak out songs. (He pretty much built his career off of them.) So does Japandroids. So does Titus Andronicus.

Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time…

It may be hard to believe, but “I’m your biggest fan,” is about the least impressive thing you can say to someone who hears it almost constantly — in fact,…

The kind of books I like to read are the ones that snap, crackle, and pop off the page. They’re exciting, they’re funny, and they usually involve heroin addiction. I…

Never take their mother’s side. Never.

If it’s BYOB, bring your own beer. If it’s a toga party, wear a toga. If it’s a search party, bring a flash light and tempered expectations.

Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl sort of likes Boy, but conceals that she’s not quite as interested because, who knows? She might be more into it one day,…

i cannot keep my room clean, can’t keep my headphones from tangling and my music from blasting and the pen from bleeding through the page, and the stairs from leading…

Is it possible to be 100 percent honest all the time and not hurt the other person’s feelings?

“Sweet potato fries at Burger King they’re not that great!! Love sweet potato fries what a big disappointment!!!! Guess that’s what you get with food….”

They’ll literally be in the middle of talking about puppies or rainbows and then they’ll turn, vitriol spewing from their gnarled mouths, yell “Yankees suck!” with a vengeance and then…

Love shouldn’t make someone feel like a bother. We shouldn’t be able to empathize with a pesky gnat at a picnic, being shooed away.

What the people you don’t like post on their Facebook status (why are you even still friends with them?).

“I’m already over it.” Like “I’m an adult,” that’s one of those statements that saying out loud makes not true.

Look at me: I am making pancakes. I am inserting strawberry cheesecake so they will be strawberry cheesecake pancakes. I am stacking the strawberry cheesecake pancakes and covering them in…

Stop blaming your parents for telling you you’re special. You now know it’s a lie, but you can only blame yourself for continuing to pretend it’s true.