CJ Hallman

Articles by
CJ Hallman

7 Of The Most Terrifying & Depressing Christmas Songs Ever

Imagine: Dozens of chipmunks, beady eyes glowing like Christmas lights, encircling your house and chanting these words at an ever-increasing volume. “We won’t go until we get some.” You have no figs, no pudding in your cabinets. Only a packet of instant mashed potatoes, a can of beets, and a half-eaten bag of Doritos.

The Different Types of Doomed Crushes There Are

Look, Mom, the “most women are probably too intimidated to approach him” thing is a myth, just like Zeus, getting AIDS from toilet seats, and simultaneous orgasms. Beautiful girls literally throw themselves at him all the time. Literally. They, like, jump off trampolines and go hurtling through the air.

How To Not Say No To Drinking

Drinks are good. Real good. And as a girl, drinks are also often free. How can you say no to good and free? You can only accept. And that decency/ common sense is, after all, what separates us from the animals. Also, opposable thumbs, which are necessary for tending bar.

Student Loan Repayment Is For Chumps

So, you finally earned that fancy degree your parents were all up in your grill about. But alack. The celebration was short-lived as you soon discovered that your “education” and “internships” proved no match for the “skills” and “experience” possessed by your School of Hard Knocks – and ITT Tech-attending counterparts.

Getting Fit Without Ruining Your Life

I usually begin with The Etch-a-Sketch, in which I frantically shake my entire body until my short-term memory is completely…Who turned out the lights? Who downloaded “Livin’ La Vida Loca”? Is that a noose hanging from my ceiling?

An Excerpt From “My Guide to Dads”

If your dad does try to embarrass you in public, imagine he is not your father at Target, but a creepy pervert who has been following you through Target. Once you method-act your way into stalked-mode, you should use your best outraged-lady voice to declare something in the vein of, “No sir, not for twenty dollars, not for any price!”

Times I Felt Creepy

I wasn’t crying, okay? Sometimes my eyes just water. It’s called Juicy Eye. And it’s a condition. And everyone should really get off it because the thing about conditions is that if you make fun of someone with a condition, karma will see to it that you later develop a worse condition.