No matter how wonderfully hot Diplo is, we must admit that he is probably more STD than flesh at this point. At a recent Major Lazer concert, I bounced a besuited Diplo around in a crowd-surfing human-sized beach ball, and even through the plastic, I could feel the accumulated film of a thousand ill-advised sexual encounters.
2. Harry Styles
Harry Styles, when not being ripped limb-from-limb by prepubescent girls with heavy orthodontics and active Tumblr accounts, is gelling his hair to perfect douchebag form. His hotness is one that comes with medical booby traps, but is still a powerful one. Few can resist his Instagram Mick Jagger charm.
You know that any dude who sports the amount of neck tattoos that Tyga does is bound to be liberally sprinkled with illnesses, but that doesn’t mean that Tyga isn’t worth a good naked spooning. Something about him just says “sweetheart,” even with his skater-asshole fashion sense and penchant for throwing money at, and subsequently marrying, half-naked women.
4. Jude Law
This veteran chlamydia hottie, who splits his time between follicle replacement therapy and banging his domestic help, is always a perennial choice for the STD hit. Come on, it’s Alfie.
5. Zayn Malik
I love Zayn more than life itself, but no one whose chinstrap is that pencil-thin, and whose Jaden Smith eyebrows are that concerned, can be totally clean. I’m happy he’s engaged now, as that means no more spreading his beautiful, beautiful germs to the groupie population at large.
When Drake is not crying, he’s frequenting his local clinic to get up-to-date on his shots. And trimming his flawless, near-geometric hairline. And crying.
7. Adam Levine
You just know that Adam Levine has the grown-up cooties. He is network TV’s resident slut, and nothing about him doesn’t scream “used up.” From his face stubble, to his constantly-exposed abs, to his “come hither and blow me” eyes, the guy is the hottie you would hit, but wouldn’t introduce to your mother. Just remember to bag it up.