21 Pretentious Things That Only People In Relationships Do

I admit that I am guilty of several most of these things myself, but I am working to change for the better. Please excuse me and my be-taken compatriots for being this way, it’s not intentional.

1. Recommending nearly anyone who is of the same sex that you are interested in to be the new love of your life. “Oh my god, girl, I know this guy who stands outside the liquor store by my subway stop and he is SUCH A CUTIE. He always tells me I ‘need to smile with my pretty ass,’ you would love him!”

2. When you mention staying home with Netflix and takeout Chinese, reminding you of the most important ingredient to that recipe — cuddling!

3. Talking about their romantic trips to such places as Bali or Venice or Paris, implying that they barely saw any of the INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS SCENERY, because they were too busy boning in their luxury hotel room/bungalow/cabin.

4. Discussing everything they enjoyed/disliked/experienced through the spectrum of human consciousness in the “we” form. Neither of them is capable of reaching a consensus on Frances Ha, they must fuse to report their opinions as a coherent unit.

5. Speaking in a condescending tone to all single people, as though they have been enlightened to some rare, precious wisdom that they now must impart over brunch for the rest of their friendship.

6. Going on diets together, especially really ridiculous ones that demand a lot of personal sacrifice. (And you always know that it was one person initiating and the other being dragged along while they store Funyuns and Hostess Cupcakes in the back of their closet to eat when no one’s looking.)

7. Laughing at inside jokes together that devolve into kissy sessions while everyone tries to avert their eyes.

8. Going to farmer’s markets together on a Saturday morning and being like, “How could you not have gone? We got there early and tasted fresh-churned butter from the upstate dairy farm. It was divine.”

9. Furniture shopping, and then talking about said furniture shopping for the following week. (You should have seen those sconces, though!!)

10. Getting a little too carried away on public transportation and being that couple who can’t stop making out when all you want to do is leave/vomit in their laps.

11. Repeatedly asking why you don’t want to do something that is explicitly for couples, such as an all-couple outing or a dance where you already need a partner.

12. Talking about how #blessed they are to be with someone they love so much.

13. Employing the word “soulmate” in casual conversation, as if that wasn’t the linguistic equivalent of coughing up glitter on someone in the middle of a sentence.

14. Having secret symbols to communicate affection, such as a double hand-squeeze to say “I love you,” and then TELLING people about said secret symbol.

15. Getting to try twice the stuff on menus because they eat half of one another’s plates.

16. Doing that thing where they feed one another with their forks/spoons, often in front of other people, as though that wasn’t super gross, and not in a still-charming Lady and the Tramp way.

17. Saying “you’ll find someone” to their single friends, with that sad twinkle in their eye that you imagine they also give to three-legged puppies.

18. Immediately telling one another everything, even things that are completely intended to be secret, because they don’t count each other as actually telling someone. (Further evidence that they think and move as one solid unit.)

19. Telling everyone their “how they met cute” story repeatedly, to the point where everyone in their social group can repeat it word-for-word on command. (I am exempt from this, as my boyfriend and I met on OKCupid, and thus avoid talking about it. *Moonwalks away smugly*)

20. Responding with, “No, thank you, I’m taken” to someone who’s just asking if they can sit there on the bus.

21. Talking about how they could “never imagine being single again” in front of their friends who are currently single, acting as though their lifestyle is some sort of disease from which they recovered and must never fall into again. Because they are too #blessed to not share this short, #beautiful life with their #soulmate. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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