Deep-fry cauliflower, slather in barbecue sauce. It’s so simplistic, but so, so good.
If you’re chilling at home in Manhattan, Two Boots Pizza sells great vegan pizza. Alternatively—and I realize this is bordering on blasphemy—cheese-less pizza is totally a thing, and with the right toppings, can be really good.
I know, I know, it’s not the same on any level, but ignore the mock-meats lurking in your local Whole Foods freezer and grill a nice, marinated portobello mushroom cap instead. Bread it and deep fry it, if you’d like to get crazy. Deep-frying is a crucial move in your first days of veganism.
There is no real way to salvage that sweet, smoky, life-giving force that is bacon, but tempeh bacon works in a pinch. Use it as a crumbled garnish rather than a thick slab of bacon, though. Brussels sprouts with tempeh bacon. The Sasha Fierce salad with tempeh bacon. Coconut milk ice cream with tempeh bacon. You’re welcome.
Leather Boxing Shorts
I have a feeling that you don’t actually WEAR the leather boxing shorts you curated for your collection at Barneys New York, but if Bey wants to branch out from the fabulous, cruelty-free world of Stella McCartney, there’s are tons of “vegan leather” alternatives in stores. What is vegan leather, you ask? Why, it’s nothing more than good, old-fashioned pleather plus a significant markup in price. (Though I feel like it would be a pretty clutch PR move on Bey’s part if she wore Forever 21 pleather.)
Almond, soy, hemp (not that kind of hemp), cashew, coconut, sunflower… the options are endless here. As your 22 day challenge goes on, it will probably become easier to simply take your coffee black, but hey, you did say All Black Everything when you professed to run this town, did you not?
In the mood for scrambled eggs? Puree tofu first, rather than crumbling it. Add turmeric, pour into a pan, and stir until the liquid evaporates. Don’t get me wrong, you could just break up the tofu into little crumbly blocks, but pureeing is next level, Hov.
Branch out from the Oreos and the Nutter Butters. Bake your own! Make it a bonding moment with Blue Ivy. She can eat as much batter as she wants because there’s no chance she’ll contract salmonella! Everybody wins!
There is no fully satisfying substitute for cheese. I am really, really sorry.