I remember tears streaming down her face as she shook her head from side to side hysterically and in a mixture of words and uncontrollable sobbing I remember her saying, “I just know that I’m going to end up hurting you”. That moment changed my life forever because it was a sign of things to come, all of those signs that we casually ignore when we’re entangled in a love that supposed to last forever, at least in your mind it is.
Breakups are painful and extremely awkward for most men to handle because they have to suffer in silence. We live a society where anger is the only emotion men are allowed to show without any negative sanctions, which is why male anger is a sure sign of depression. For a long time I choose to mask my depression with anger because it’s the only way to show some form of emotion without looking weak and vulnerable.
I remember being locked in the basement for an entire month venturing out only for work and food, the rest of my time was spent watching Netflix and angrily going over the ten thousand things I could have accomplished instead of falling in love. If you let me tell it I could have found a cure for cancer by now, but no no no, I was too busy wasting my fucking time being in love.
I think in today’s society male emotion is extremely undermined because masculinity doesn’t allow men to actually admit when you’ve been hurt. Men are supposed to be tough and follow this informal code that tip toes an invisible line between being emotionally available but not so available that someone mistakes you for being gay.
Believe it or not men cry, we sit and reminisce about the past, we replay things over a thousand times in our heads, we might even still occasionally check to see if she’s still ok or if she’s dating anyone by now.
Even to this day it still hurts and it’s created this emptiness inside of me that can’t truly be explained. Ever since the breakup I’ve had a hard time feeling any emotion towards anyone, there’re very few people in my life right now that I can say I genuinely care for. A part of me wonders if I have any love left, can I even love someone again, or was that the last time I’ll ever have enough vulnerability in my heart care for another woman.
With each day I become increasingly torn between two sides, one side of me would love to have a family, wife, kids, etc. and another side of me is so hurt and angry that I’ll never let someone that close to me again.
Men get hurt, we break and crack just as often as women do, however, and we aren’t allowed to show it. In some cases you might a man who’s been hurt or taken for granted and never has an outlet to express any of those emotions. I ask that if you know someone who’s going through a tough time make sure your careful with him because we get hurt too.