Andrew WK makes freak out songs. (He pretty much built his career off of them.) So does Japandroids. So does Titus Andronicus.

Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time…

It may be hard to believe, but “I’m your biggest fan,” is about the least impressive thing you can say to someone who hears it almost constantly — in fact,…

The kind of books I like to read are the ones that snap, crackle, and pop off the page. They’re exciting, they’re funny, and they usually involve heroin addiction. I…

Never take their mother’s side. Never.

If it’s BYOB, bring your own beer. If it’s a toga party, wear a toga. If it’s a search party, bring a flash light and tempered expectations.

Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl sort of likes Boy, but conceals that she’s not quite as interested because, who knows? She might be more into it one day,…

i cannot keep my room clean, can’t keep my headphones from tangling and my music from blasting and the pen from bleeding through the page, and the stairs from leading…

Is it possible to be 100 percent honest all the time and not hurt the other person’s feelings?

“Sweet potato fries at Burger King they’re not that great!! Love sweet potato fries what a big disappointment!!!! Guess that’s what you get with food….”

They’ll literally be in the middle of talking about puppies or rainbows and then they’ll turn, vitriol spewing from their gnarled mouths, yell “Yankees suck!” with a vengeance and then…

Love shouldn’t make someone feel like a bother. We shouldn’t be able to empathize with a pesky gnat at a picnic, being shooed away.

What the people you don’t like post on their Facebook status (why are you even still friends with them?).

“I’m already over it.” Like “I’m an adult,” that’s one of those statements that saying out loud makes not true.

Look at me: I am making pancakes. I am inserting strawberry cheesecake so they will be strawberry cheesecake pancakes. I am stacking the strawberry cheesecake pancakes and covering them in…

Stop blaming your parents for telling you you’re special. You now know it’s a lie, but you can only blame yourself for continuing to pretend it’s true.

John Tyler did some serious work in the White House — and I’m not talking about the 1844 Treaty of Wanghia — he fathered 15 children with two different women…

You were just that overcome with emotion that instead of saying anything, your slovenly self decided to just type a colon and half a parentheses in response to some of…

Who allows ten messages to go unanswered — a month of silence to stretch on — and still be excited when the other person finally decides to respond? I did.

It had been during that 11-hour car ride, Pooh thought to himself as he spied the river off in the distance, when he realized he had to kill Piglet.

As for extremely jealous, controlling situations — those typically aren’t going to end well, so walking (or even briskly jogging) away isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

The thing about gossip is, no matter how much you enjoy it in the moment (and we all kind of have our ugly moments of saying something nasty about someone…

Will Smith is not just the father of Willow and The Karate Kid.

LL Cool J — I liked how he kept licking his lips in “Going Back to Cali”; seemed like obsessive compulsive disorder, but since he’s a stud no one called…

Obviously, if you’re a werewolf, it’s time to lock yourself in cage in a library and have a friend stand by with a tranquilizer gun. (Buffy reference!)

These are songs to cry to, drink to, feel weak to; songs to feel wounded to and feel the tight swell in your chest to.

Aside from his parents, you’re the one I need to impress the most. Don’t make it hard on me. I’m already bugging.

You were there through different relationships the way a people weathers different administrations, learning intimately what it is they are looking for and the mistakes they are making — mistakes…

Are you depressed? You may want to just buy Elliott Smith’s entire discography and save yourself the trouble.

When you’re starving for their time and attention, this is an opportunity for sustenance. The scraps and crumbs of their busy schedule will serve as nourishment. Very little, but that’s…

They come to your art show. They encourage you to practice with your band. They don’t get jealous or upset when you have to work late. They genuinely want you…

If your’e telling a story, have no concept of what you’re actually saying, and realize far too late that you’ve been talking for seven straight minutes about that time you…

Horrifying spelling. A text riddled with basic errors can be a deal breaker. Not abbreviations — but messages that look like the Zodiac-killer wrote them and take forever to decode.

Unsolved Mysteries is the reason why I watch my garage door go all the way down – because if I don’t, a killer will most definitely slide under at the…

Stop wasting money renting a studio apartment that more accurately resembles a closet or buying expensive gym class fads/designer clothes/beauty products that’ll make you skinnier/trendier/prettier/whatever.

See all of your friends from home one last time and remind yourself of how much you love them, how big a part of you they are, and how you…

I know you must get that a lot, and on good days you probably let it slide. You think, “We’re happy and that’s all that matters,” you think, “Some people…

Endured the company of terrible people without throwing my drink on them.

But now that every person with a smart phone has instant access to every bit of human knowledge, not only do you have to be right 100% of the time,…

I know I love you because I want to listen, I really do. I don’t have anywhere to be that can’t wait for a while and I’m not checking my…

We all know that tragic couple who is constantly having some Maury-esque fight, vowing never to speak to each other again, sleeping together a week later, and putting that relationship…

I’ve shot airsoft guns, paintball guns, water guns, Nerf guns, staple guns – every type of gun that isn’t actual bullets.

It means just because they’ve often declared their admiration and respect for Neil Patrick Harris and Ellen DeGeneres, it can mean diddly-squat when it comes to their own flesh and…

Even though Spotify was straight player hating this week (Five Total songs? One Aaliyah album? RLY?), I think you’ll enjoy it just the same.

Am I supposed to smile while everybody sings? Or do I modestly laugh? Do I make eye contact with people individually, or glance by all of them? Would it be…

But as I’ve discovered recently, most women have never seen their pee hole.

I’ve mastered the art of changing topics, deflecting and using sarcasm to escape the grasps of any intimate or layered question thrown my way. It’s not a purposeful, focused defensive…

Well, if you’re not going to get that gym membership (a perennial list marker), you might as well actually read those 10,000 books you always say you’re going to get…

Somehow we can convince ourselves, at the beginning of June, that we’ll be fine when the end of August rolls around and it’s time to put things behind us. And…

Club Monaco dresses and Chanel makeup are not good reasons to be broke. But plane tickets, traveling, and new experiences are.