I have always, honestly believed that there are two types of men in the world. There are the guys that you marry and the boys that you date. Both look the same, talk the same, heck they probably even smell the same. But you end up breaking one’s heart, and marrying the other.
So, how do you know which is which?
The Boy You Date
He is nice to you, messages you, knows exactly where to kiss you to make you weak in the knees and we should just accept here and now that the sex is great. But where is it going?
He wants to work at a video store for the rest of his life, or he wants to be a geologist that goes and lives in some isolated mine to study rocks. Or perhaps he hasn’t got it figured out yet. You’re moving fast in this relationship and there is a major passion overload. You spend all your time together and yes, you’re in love and it’s wonderful and then all of a sudden – you get spat on by the future. A giant glob spit of realization hits your straight in your eye and you realize that there is no way this guy could support you. He can barely keep his room tidy, let alone live with someone other than his parents. He doesn’t have a plan. Or his plan doesn’t include you.
Think of The Notebook. Noah and Allie are in a whirlwind romance but when you think about it, they have nothing in common apart from the fact that they’re crazy about each other. She moved away and he transitioned from boy to man and because life isn’t a movie – it ends there. No chance encounter years down the track, and no screaming in the rain about it never being over. It just doesn’t happen.
You’re so happy with this guy that you’re not even thinking about the future because it’s not important yet or maybe you are just blinded by the fact that your “love is forever”.
Sure it is… until the bills start rolling in.
The Guy You Marry
He is keeping those university grades up, his parents love you, he takes you out to dinner and maybe it’s not flaming passion but it’s something. He loves kids and has a five year plan that has you there right next to him. If you want to move to a different country – he sits and figures out how often he could come visit you and the cost effective ways of doing it. Perhaps he could even move with you. However, he never holds you back. He encourages you and reminds you that he’ll be here waiting when you get back.
However, keep in mind that there are transitional guys. Ones who start out as the Boy you Date and end up turning into the Guy you Marry. My best friend met her boyfriend when she was 19 and there is no way he would be planning on committing – three years down the track and they are figuring out their life ‘together’. He’s learnt selflessness and so has she. They’ve grown together and it worked for them. This is rare but I’ve seen it happen.
Here’s where the problem kicks in though:
I’m 18 years old and I am dating the Guy you Marry. I have absolutely no interest in meeting his parents or god-forbid introducing him to mine. I’m too self involved to think of a five year plan that includes someone other than myself and I’m not apologiszing for it because I’m young! I want to travel; I want to do things I want to live. I don’t want to settle down and think about taxes and how many kids we’re going to have. But fast forward say, four years down the track and I would have finished studying, I’d (hopefully) have a full time job and then yes, that would be a good time for me to start thinking about these things.
He is so perfect in every way EXCEPT for the fact that he’s thought about what we’re going to do for our one year anniversary – in 10 months I might add – and I haven’t thought ahead of what our plans are for this weekend.
But if I break up with him to be with the Boy you Date, I’d be throwing away someone who is perfect for 22 year-old me. Is it worth it?
My hairdresser recently had a baby with the Boy you Date, and she is miserable. He was forced into being the Guy You Marry and it just isn’t him. They now resent each other for it. You can’t change people.
You shouldn’t marry the Boy You Date and you shouldn’t date the Guy You Marry unless you want him there for the rest of your life.
But I am. I am dating the Guy You Marry and now I know why they tell you not to. Everyday it’s like I’m leading him on. I’ve tried telling him that I don’t want to think about the future right now so he cut back to our four month anniversary, which still scared me to the same extent. How am I supposed to know how I’ll feel in 2 months time? To him it’s inevitable, we will be together and in love. Perhaps it’s selfish of me to hold onto someone who could make a girl ready for this kind of commitment so happy, but what if I realize that’s me in a week?
As simple as the terminology makes it sound – deciding which guy is right for you is more complicated than it seems.