As everyone from the East Coast knows, the East Coast is the center of the universe. And as everyone not from the East Coast knows, the sorts of people who express the opinion above is why Facebook is now 100% intolerable.
I’ve lived on the east coast for nearly all of my 23 years. And just like most people who’ve cozied up on I-95, I have a (somewhat misguided) affinity for the smog-filled megalopolis that makes up a considerable chunk of America’s plaid-wearing population.
If you happen to be from the great wasteland that is America 1.0, here are some vague generalizations that may humorously explain “your life, exactly.” And if you’re not from the area of the country that Verizon Wireless maps enjoy lighting up disproportionately, hopefully the items below help explain our general shittiness:
1. We think people from other parts of the country–particularly those on the left coast–aren’t as “real” and “hardened” as we are.
2. Some of us are insufferably proud of the fact that we don’t know a single person who watches CSI or NCIS.
3. We pride ourselves on having strong opinions about Aaron Sorkin.
4. If we’re amongst the more snobbish, David Brooks-type East Coaster, we place a frighteningly large value on higher education. Nothing gets us quite as excited as discussing the flaws of the very aristomeritocracy that’s enabled us to “succeed”.
5. Los Angeles, one of the few other places in America worth living, is for people who are “superficial” and take ridiculous 90 minute lunches. We take pride in our sad desk lunches.
6. When the World Series features the San Francisco Giants and the Detroit Tigers, we automatically decide that it wasn’t an important baseball season.
7. Whilst having drunken political discussions with two other people, AT LEAST one of us will defend Obama to the death.
8. We don’t think twice upon overhearing a conversation about yoga pant prices conducted by two Jewish American Princesses.
9. We are, or have interacted with, college girls who wear backwards pink trucker hats that say words like “Shots” or “Legit” on them.
10. We think we love country music.
11. We point to television scheduling as to why the East Coast is superior.
12. We dismiss people who don’t experience all four seasons as “not real people.”
13. We love the fact that, compared the the rest of the country, we skew alarmingly pessimistic.
14. We work too much, and look down on people who aren’t spending the majority of their time selling their soul.
15. When interacting with one of those bi-coastal types, we’re not sure if we can totally trust them.
16. We shudder upon hearing the words “Middle America,” and identify a lot more with certain European cities than we do the strange, foreign land of Omaha, Nebraska. We are fully aware that we’re insufferably pretentious assholes for thinking this.
17. We realize where we live is a shithole, but wouldn’t trade it for the world. Shitholes build character, something we think that we have.
18. The only thing we despise worse than people freaking out over superior, non-east coast eating establishments (Chick Fil-A*, In ‘n Out) is having to interact with tourists.
18a. *Relative to how you differentiate “East Coast” and “The South.”
19. Any place in America that doesn’t have diners is completely and utterly worthless.
20. We find this endearing:
21. When it’s all said and done, California would probably be pretty cool.