I am giving you a free pass to get on my case for how cynical this whole thing is, because I do realize that and it’s okay if you want to tease me for it. But I will just say that regardless, these things are so disturbingly true that it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about them. I am just doing everyone a favor and calling out the people who really don’t know how to be in a relationship without irritating the rest of the world.
1. Baby talk.
The high-pitched “schookum baby peanut cupcake sweetie pie babycakes panda bear pookie kins.” If I have to hear one more person greet their significant other in a voice four octaves above normal and then proceed to speak to them like they’re four I will actually vomit.
2. Suddenly losing all comprehension of the fact that there are other people that exist in the world.
This issue takes many forms: third wheeling friends or just straight up ignoring them (I’ll get to that later), sitting on a park bench with their tongues down each others throats, uploading “couple albums” to Facebook in which every photo is just the two of them kissing each other in different ways, etc. etc. etc.
3. Excessive Facebook promotion/declaration of your sentiments.
I know you love them so much. I get it. We all get it. One more status update or photo of you guys making out somewhere is not necessary. Nobody is questioning after the fourth “dinner out with my baby” update.
4. The hashtags.
#love #blessed #baby #girlfriend #boyfriend #solucky #lovers #meanttobe #inlove #bby #1year #loveyou #mybaby #dating #hot #sooooooolucky #BLESSED #sohappy #finally #loveyousomuch
5. Complain about issues that aren’t really issues at all.
I do understand that you are hyper sensitive to imperfections in the relationship because of course you want your relationship to last and you want everything to be perfect. But when friends call me every other day in tears over something like dinner plans not working out, I just… I can’t.
6. Humble-brag about their flourishing sex life.
Wonderful. I’m glad you’re having sex three times a day and I’m just sitting here like trying to get someone to look at me twice. “Complaining” that you’re so exhausted because you were up all night making passionate love to someone makes it 10x worse.
7. Remain in crazy denial about something regarding their relationship and get mad when people try to tell them otherwise.
You guys have to know what I’m talking about when I say that there are just some people who are absolutely delusional about something in their relationship, or their relationship as a whole, real concept, and when you very gently try to tell them that yeah, your significant other DEFINITELY treats you like shit and DEFINITELY does not love you like you think they do, they freak the fuck out.
8. Get crazy obsessed with each other and drop everything else.
Hey now, we’ve all done this. I get it. It’s exciting and new and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and butterfly-ey inside. But once you’ve been around the block a few times you realize that no, you cannot sacrifice your entire life for someone because you will be left with nothing if and when that relationship doesn’t work out.
9. Start becoming each other.
Since when were you a hipster? You definitely did not like obscure indie music before that relationship started and I’m judging you for your flannel because I’m pretty sure you’re just wearing it because you’re dating the female equivalent of this guy.
10. Ditching all their other friends.
Much like the whole “drop everything else” ordeal: you can’t neglect the people who were in your life of whom you’d like to keep in your life if and when your relationship doesn’t work out. People will see right through you ditching them when you’re taken and suddenly texting about dinner plans after you break up– or worse, turning to those friends for consolation. Lol.
11. Telling single people “it will happen when you least expect it.”
12. Finding really insignificant things that they completely believe are “signs.”
“You want to hear something crazy? I told her that pizza was my favorite food, and she said that pizza was her favorite food, and… yeah. Like, I’m sorry, this shit is NOT coincidence.”
13. Couple photo shoots.
Who green lighted this idea? Really, though. Who thought it would be a fantastic idea to run around fields and take cheesy pictures of yourself with a significant other and then post it on every form of internet you can get your hands on? And if you actually spent money to do that? Haha. #wut.
14. Compare themselves to fictional movie characters.
“No seriously, my life is the Notebook, he is Noah and I am Allie it is our story EXACTLY.