Roxicodone (Roxy, for short) comes in tiny blue pills. So tiny, in fact, that I would often lose them in my room and not find it until weeks later. Misplacing…

So I’ve never once had a relationship begin with something grand and romantic, like I came to expect from the movies, and I figured the same was true for most…

Listen, I want you to truly appreciate my sustained effort to pretend to be a reasonable human being. I’ve gone days without texting you, multiple days without texting you, three…

Don’t ever forget that the relationship you’re in is one you’ve chosen to be in, one that defines part of your life, for a week or a month, ten years,…

Going out to dinner and having everything and nothing to talk about, never running out of something to add (but perfectly comfortable with shutting up and pigging out when the…

He has really nice abs. But I only know because he’s shirtless in four of his seven profile pictures.

This weekend, when one of your friends texts you with promises of glory, of true love, and the possibility of dollar domestics — you say no. You say no, you…

Sometimes, when in situations like these, you find yourself in a conversation where the rules are that you have to keep making up these clever little witticisms to stay in…

The listing didn’t have an exorbitant number of exclamation points or asterisks, which was a pretty good sign. I mean, it wasn’t my first choice. But when you have no…

The universe becomes uncanny at its core, always shifting and realigning depending on how you look at it.

As confident and crisp as this how-to title sounds, what I impart below is not boastful advice based on personal success, but rather lessons learned from a less than stellar…

The art director didn’t invent a negative connotation for this ad, your brain did. Take responsibility for that, if you’re upset about what you’re seeing.

Regular sexual intercourse two or three times a week, usually Thursday nights after The Office and on the weekend; Saturday date night dinner at ethnic fusion restaurant whose assimilation of…

I’m not making any argument for or against Facebook, or debating how much exposure to creating various profiles online should be deemed appropriate, but I have noticed that, in any…

So, though they may be a bit cumbersome, I propose a few new terms that more succinctly get to the heart of the matter. This, my friends, is true love.

So it’s been a week since he left you at your doorstep with an, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and all you want to do is give that jerk a piece…

If you are the kind of man who, on his way out for a night on the town or an afternoon with friends, decides to finish his otherwise respectable outfit…

I woke up the next morning on a couch in the laundry room, three floors down from where I lived. I was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs.

I feel sorry for ugly people. Actually, that’s not true, but it’s a thought I deliberately generate sometimes in order to feel like I’m a good and caring person.

Stop checking your email because you know it will just be your friends asking you if you’re okay, and you don’t want to admit that you really aren’t but know…

People have very clear ideas on what abuse is. Abuse is physical, or abuse is between man and woman, or abuse is between parent and child; abuse is verbal, mental;…

We all know that no one is more of a model for your own future knight-in-shining-armor than a good, old-fashioned Disney Prince.

Look away from The Married Guy. He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune,…

The Party Girl still hits the old haunts, but now it’s mostly to reminisce with her bartender friends about old crazy antics instead of to create new mayhem. She used…

Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then…

You’re beautiful because you take risks. You substituted “who cares” for “what if” and stopped talking into your beer about how you were going to do it and actually did…

If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would really like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the…

We shall discover herein analytical aspects of our subject, punctuated by commentary of a more personal sort, starting right here with a description of the emotional status necessary to get…

Sometimes when you think you love something what you really love is not the thing itself but just some small and inessential part of it: you think you love banana…

I enjoy seeing you insecure, vulnerable. I like to watch red steam light up your cheeks, a spreading mist of shame when you think you’ve done something unacceptable like missing…

People try to cheat the grieving process and press fast forward. They want to show their friends and family that they’re just great, that they’re in a good place and…

I think the “I love you” is wildly important, which is why the idea of it as a pawn in the battle of who holds the cards in the relationship…

Before we delve into your options, I feel like I should at least mention that you could always, you know, just say no to your friend who wants money. Just…

Recently realized certain aspects of what he thought was his identity were actually just uncontrollable delusions lacking any concrete behavior as evidence of their truth and significance.

Stop feeling sad for no reason. Stop placing all of your happiness into whether or not your crush will text you back. Stop feeling a vague sense of melancholy, something…

There are bridges I have burned out of necessity. Yours was simply abandoned, left untended for years until weeds grew through it and the railing fell apart and it became…

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy…

It may feel mutual, look mutual, and be hailed as mutual to everyone you tell, but the truth is that someone in the relationship wanted the break up more than…

An overpriced cell for the overachiever, the minimalist apartment gets its name because it’s inhabitant either a. doesn’t have space for frivolities like, say, a bedside table or b. cannot…

We can be whatever constellations you like, at least in the beginning. In the beginning it’ll be all starburst and Andromeda and other striking sights we won’t be able to…

Here, a primer for when your future children want to know what the hell you were doing with your boxy, multicolored electronics.

Bring your favorite toy to school to impress her; watch her hold it in her tiny hands and swell with pride when she’s receptive. She has good taste. Watch her…

Think about all the clothes you lent out to friends and never got back. Think about all the times you put in extra for lunch because everyone knew they could…

You become a morning person, or a night owl, or a combination of the two, if only to extend the time you get to spend with this person.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a little bite in my make outs. However, my face is NOT a midnight snack. It’s not a plate of mozzarella sticks at…

I’m pretty convinced now that everything in the fashion world has been “done,” and now the designers are just blindfolding themselves and throwing darts at a chart with different clothing…

Perhaps in a childish, roller-coaster-thrill kind of way we like people who don’t treat us very well, but when we think about who is really worth our time and our…

Your body is a hydration machine — even if you cry for an hour straight, you will still have tears left. There is a limit to how many times you…

I like you but under no circumstances will I be known as your girlfriend. I’m just not ready for that type of commitment. I still expect you to hang out…

A twentysomething’s idea of “work attire” can often be anything but. A button down you wore to your graduation matched with dirty black skinny jeans and boat shoes doesn’t exactly…