The Wicker Man (2006)
Nicholas Cage gives one of his most ridiculous performances of all time in this train wreck, and that’s saying something. It may have been somewhat salvageable without Cage, but any sense of fear was immediately transformed to laughter in the final moments when Cage is burned alive while yelling about bees being poured on his head. I am in amazement that any director could think, “Yes, that’s what I was going for! Perfect!”
Village of the Damned (1995)
How can John Carpenter be responsible for such great horror and then make an abomination like this? The late Christopher Reeve joins Kirstie Alley for some reason in this sloppy story of a bunch of aliens posing as children. I can tolerate bad, but this one is just plain stupid.
Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
I don’t know if any movie has ever made me physically slap my forehead, until Texas Chainsaw 3D. I could go on and on about everything wrong with this movie, but basically a girl inherits a house in Texas, only to have her friends murdered by Leatherface. She later finds out Leatherface is her cousin and starts helping him kill corrupt cops around town while, I guess, forgiving him for killing all of her friends. The definitive moment in this piece of garbage is when she tosses Leatherface his chainsaw and declares, “Do your thing, cuz!” I wish that was a joke. That is an actual quote.
The original 2004 version of Shutter is one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. The 2008 remake features Pacey from Dawson’s Creek aimlessly running around Japan while Pam Beasley’s ex-fiancé from The Office dives off a high ledge in a saggy pair of whitey tighties. Something was clearly lost in translation.
The year of awful remakes continue, as Jennifer Carpenter starred in this unnecessary remake of Rec, which I highly recommend. Not only did this trash water down everything that made the original so terrifying, it showed the ending of the movie on the poster and cover! Why on earth would you ever think that’s acceptable? Anyone with the least bit of knowledge of the film had it instantly spoiled just by seeing the poster.
No remake will ever be more useless and unnecessary than Gus Van Sant’s 1998 frame for frame remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film. It’s literally the same thing. What’s the point? I never watched the original Psycho and thought, “This is good, but what I really need is more Vince Vaughn!” Don’t ever waste your time on this idiotic idea.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Freddy Kruger will always be Robert Englund. No matter how stupid they make him or how many ridiculous lines he reads, Englund still has the ability to turn terrifying at any moment. In 2010 studios thought it would be a good idea to have Jackie Earle Haley take over the role of Freddy and make him look like a halibut who got burned in a grease fire while delving into the little discussed back story of Freddy being a child molester. What fun! It was hated by fans and hopefully buried at the bottom of the ocean.
Friday the 13th (2009)
The first warning sign that this would be terrible should have been “produced by Michael Bay.” The biggest issue with director Marcus Nispel’s reimagining of Jason Voorhees is that all the characters are such terrible people, that you’re almost cheering for Jason to kill them so you don’t have to watch them anymore. They’re all vile humans with terrible decision-making skills. Plus there’s the whole story with Jason thinking a girl is his mom that’s not even worth explaining.
House on Haunted Hill (1999)
The ‘90s will go down as the worst decade in history for horror and no movie personified that more than House on Haunted Hill. The Vincent Price classic was haunting and eerie, while this one starred Chris Kattan, Taye Diggs, and the girl on Saved by the Bell who always asked if she had lipstick on her teeth. Studios seemed to think that, after the success of Scream, audiences just wanted a young, attractive cast, but completely ignored a competent story. If you really want to double down on awful movies, there’s a sequel that may very well make your eyes bleed.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
If you’re wondering how many times the Amityville story can be retold, join the club. If you’ve seen one, you’ve basically seen them all, but this one finds a way to be particularly terrible. Not even Ryan Reynolds being unnecessarily shirtless for multiple scenes can save this dude from being anything more than a bargain bin movie at Best Buy.