15 Songs That Will Turn Any Housewife Into A Ho

Sometimes we are composed, refined, thoughtful young ladies. Sometimes we want to sip complicated red wine and have a nuanced discussion about philosophy or politics. Sometimes, though, a song comes on that makes you start convulsing as if moved by the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues and shaking your ass so wildly you feel as though it might fall off. And there is nothing wrong with that. Let us all embrace the songs that unceremoniously push our inner housewives aside and start the party, one isolated ass cheek at a time.

1. Bubba Sparxxx, “Ms New Booty”

Long is the time that we have been incoherently rump-shaking to this dance floor gem. Whether it’s the Ying Yang Twins’ predictably graphic verse, or the woop-woop addictiveness of the beat, White Mike Jones, aka Bubba Sparxxx, has provided us with an endurance jam.

2. Christina Aguilera, “Dirrty”

Somehow, when Xtina entered her ‘greasy stripper’ phase, so did all of us. Dirrty Christina may be my favorite Christina of all time, and that is likely because of the complete abandon with which she embraced that image. If only we could all give as few a fuck as her.

3. Cupid, “Cupid Shuffle”

There is no part of your body that won’t dance when you put this on, it’s just something fundamental within you that starts moving, independent of your brain function.

4. Big & Rich, “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy”

Whoever said that country was the wholesome, Christian genre has clearly never seen a group of drunk women at a dive bar hearing the opening “DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAAAAA” of this song, because they are almost guaranteed to start punching people left and right to get to the dance floor and start square grinding.

5. Fergie, “Fergalicious”

Despite Fergie’s whole existence being a little bit confusing, it is undeniable that this hit from 2006 has left a lasting impression on all of us. Who doesn’t scream along with the “I be up in the gym just working on my fitness” part, despite not having been to anything resembling a gym in literal years? The answer is no one, because this song is amazing.

6. Major Lazer, Bubble Butt

The only thing I can say about this song is that if you haven’t been to a Major Lazer song and danced to this magical clusterfuck of a song, you have not yet achieved your final form.

7. Juicy J, “Bandz A Make Her Dance”

I feel like the earth is still getting back on its normal orbit a year after this song made every woman’s ass shake collectively for the first time.

8. Webbie Feat. Lil Boosie and Lil Phat, “Independent”

“Independent,” reminding women how to spell while shaking their hips since late 2007. The perfect song to listen to right after you just got that raise/promotion/paycheck, it may lead to irrational purchases at the bar because you suddenly feel you have your financial situation far more under control than you actually do.

9. Enur, “Calabria 2007”

This number is actually less a song, and more an inhuman collection of noises that was designed in some kind of hermetically-sealed alien laboratory to make everyone’s body parts wiggle and jump against their will. It is the “dance urge” in pure musical form, and no one is immune to its oiled-up thongy poison.

10. Iggy Azalea, “Pu$$y”

First and foremost, any song that features dollar bills instead of the letter S is going to be a winner. And while her use of a small child in this music video is questionable at best, it’s undeniable that this song brings out the rawest version of all of us. It’s one thing to enjoy oral sex, it’s another to write a whole song demanding it with a chorus composed entirely of a euphemism for vagina, and Iggy has done just that. Just listen to this and try not to grind the nearest man’s crotch off.

11. Crime Mob, “Rock Yo Hips”

While I usually tend to think that Diamond is over-used in Crime Mob songs, just because she’s so skinny and cute, there is no denying that her verse in this song is just out of this world. Listening to her bit is the equivalent of doing a shot of Patron and/or Grey Goose, and is guaranteed to get you making a minor fool of yourself on the dance floor.

12. Lou Bega, “Mambo No. 5”

There is no circumstance under which you can play this and the girls won’t proceed to lose their shit trying to dance along by any means necessary. It’s actually against the law to play this song while driving in several states, as the spasmodic dancing episodes have led to countless accidents.

13. Britney Spears, “Slave 4 U”

There is no reason to mention Xtina’s greasy phase if we’re not going to address Britney’s. All of our pop princesses must go through this phase of “making music with my vagina,” and it’s always an auditory joy for the rest of us. This song invariably makes you attempt those sexy little stomach rolls, even if your tum looks nothing like Britney-circa-2001’s.

14. Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya, Pink, “Lady Marmalade”

One of the most satisfying parts of living in France, no matter how small it may be, is being in one of the more touristy/student-y bars on any night and hearing a crowd of drunk Anglophone girls all screaming “DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT” at the top of their lungs, on repeat. There’s just something so charmingly frank about it.

15. Big Sean feat. Nicki Minaj, “A$$”

Yet another dollar-sign-as-letter-title promises and delivers on one of the most simple and effective ass-shaking songs of all times. While Nicki’s verse makes it, the whole thing is such a flawless ode to the female behind that there is no way not to accept its invitation to keep shaking. When she says:

Bad bitches, I’m your leader,
Phantom by the meter
Somebody point me to the best ass-eater

Don’t we all just fall in love, if only a little bit? I know I do.

BONUS TRACK: Soulja Boy Tell’em, “Donk”

Because if dancing along with vigor to this song is wrong, no one should want to be right. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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