1. “That moment when…”
As in, “That moment when you get on the train and see someone wearing the same shirt as you. #FML.” Or, “That moment when you get a really sweet text and don’t know how to reply…”
Funny. I’m racking my brain…and I’m coming up dry. You see, “that moment” is unique to you. So it’s actually not “that” moment, but YOUR moment that—um, how do I put this—matters to no one else.
2. “THIS. [insert link here]”
How am I supposed to know what in the hell “THIS” is? Or whether it’s worth clicking on? Oh wait, that’s right, because you smacked a “THIS.” in front of it. I wonder…when the constitution was being signed, do you think George Washington and the other delegates actually read it first? Or do you think it was just handed to them in a manilla envelope with “THIS.” written on it and they were like, “Say no more. Done and done.”
3. “This. Is. Me. [insert link/retweet here]”
It’s funny, because in retweeting this link, you are in fact discrediting your own statement and proving—by dint of the author’s byline—that it is in fact not you.
4. “Loves it”
I really am at a loss as to why anyone would ever choose to say “loves it” instead of “love it.” You’re literally ADDING an extra letter at the risk of others around you going deaf. How irresponsible is that? Maybe if you really “loves” everyone and everything around you as you claim you do, you’d shut your goddamn mouth.
5. “You know the drill”
Do I? DO I?! Because unless you’re referring to the drill in my kitchen cabinet which I’m currently trying to figure out how to stick up your butt, then no, sorry, I don’t know “the drill.”
6. “You might want to consider a career change”
This guy can be found in the comments section of my articles. And I have a couple bones to pick with it. First, by using the word “career” you are already implying that I am a successful writer, as I’ve been able to make a career out of it thus far. Ergo, career change a no-go, thank you very much. It would be silly, you see, as I’m already getting paid for what I love to do. (In case you were wondering, that was a burn.)
But also, thank you Lumberjack-looking 30-something-year-old miserable troll. Thanks for the advice. Your opinion means a lot.
7. “Please stop writing”
Possibly the most dumb-witted phrase, which you can also find in the comments section of most of my articles. The greatest thing about writing—and Thought Catalog—is that it’s an inherently equitable endeavor. The beauty of writing is that anyone can do it, and the more people who do it, the more others will be able to formulate clear and individual opinions. Perhaps more important than reading something you enjoy is reading something you disagree with. You stinking turd.
8. “That shit cray”
Nothing gets my juices flowing more like hearing a shallow, unintelligent white chick regurgitate rap lyrics. The effect is even more powerful when they say it in earnest. Such as after international catastrophes. As in, “Bbz. WTF is going on in Syria? That shit cray.”
9. “Nerd alert!”
OMG, are you a nerd? You must be, I mean look at those glasses! You dork! And in case anyone tells you different, you got that tattoo to prove it.
10. “Turnt up”
The only effect Miley had on my ears when she said “turnt up” was physical pain. I had to get my ears checked for an infection after watching Miley: The Movement.
Often, the answer to many things are in plain sight—so obvious that they’re hardly noticeable. Like “turnt up”—look at the phrase and you’ll find its essence. Remove the “n” and replace the second “t” for a “d” and you got yourself the origin of this phrase. That’s right: Buttholes.
11. “Live, laugh, love”
You COULD live by this maxim. OR you could live by the more appealing, joyless and realistic one that I have stamped on my throw pillow: Fart, vomit, die. The choice is yours.
Ah, fashionista…Like anthrax to my ears. I will strike hell upon the next person who says this in my presence. Fashionistas are nothing but a bunch of autocratic neo-Nazis. Don’t believe me? The proof is in the pudding (the pudding being the poorly edited video below):
13. “Sunday funday”
Surely every Sunday can’t be fun though, can it? This rhyme is so elementary and abysmal I just want hot piss sprayed all over it.
14. “Bout that life”
Ughhhhhhh WHY did this become popular? What life are you “bout”? Tell me. You only got one life and that’s yours and while I’m not 100% certain what “bout” in this context means, I feel strongly that you are on the right track—that, in effect, you SHOULD be “bout” your life, because it’s your life and only you can be bout it? Also shut up.
The last and only time “holla!” was used correctly was by Missy Elliott in the year 2001. Re: “Quiet, ssh, hush yo’ mouth / Silence when I spit it out / Hah-choo, in yo’ face / Open your mouth, give you a taste / HOLLA!” Case closed.
16. “Din din”
Not everything needs to be fluffy and cat-like. Can’t you just say ONE word the way your mother and father taught you? No? You like sounding as if you have a stutter? K. Cool.
17. “Lazy Sunday”
You did not coin this phrase, The Lonely Island did. And Sundays are, by definition, lazy. So congratulations! You’re officially part of the masses. A statistic. I can’t even see you anymore, you don’t exist. Bye.
18. “Let’s brunch it.”
We could. But then I’d have to kill you.
19. “A much-needed vacay [insert beach selfie with daytime umbrella-adorned cocktail]”
Looks like it was much-needed! Sorta on the same level as Budhia Singh, the slum boy from Orissa, India, who was forced to run 48 marathons before the age of 5. You two are cut from the same cloth! You guys would totally get along.
People say this instead of “jealous.” Weird; the only jelly I know exists inside of powdered donuts.
How lazy are you that you can’t even spell out “Happy Birthday” to presumably a friend. What’s next, “CONB”? As in, congrats on the new baby? I bet if you emailed your boss “ISTCIWFH?” (“I’m sick today can I work from home?”) he’d totally get it and be cool with it.