1. “I’m so broke.” (When you are totally not broke at all.)
Can we create a new word for this ‘I-have-money-I’m-just-choosing-not-to-spend-it-in-this-way’ phenomenon? Because we have a huge part of our generation who is likely going to live their entire financial life in negative dollars, and honestly it’s just insulting at this point.
2. “Eww, I would never eat that.”
Good, bitch, more Doritos Locos tacos for me. *Rabid opossum-like glare*
3. “When are you going to get a real job?”
Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy goddddddd are there any two words in the entire English language more offensive than “real job?” Because if your plan is to look at someone with that ‘condescending-pity’ face and ask that question right after they get off of a double shift waiting tables for tips whilst living at their parents’ house and trying to save up enough money to make a dent in their student debt before moving out, you might as well just kick them directly in the heart.
4. “Yeah, I don’t have to do anything for my skin, I just splash water on my face.”
As someone who has struggled with acne and rosacea all of her red-faced life, please don’t say this. It really does feel like God leaning down from the heavens and slapping you in the face personally, and there’s nothing you can say in response that doesn’t make you sound jealous and weird (even though you totally are both of those things). Appreciate your genetic lottery win, and at least pretend like you occasionally moisturize, for everyone’s sanity.
5. “I can eat as much as I want and I don’t gain weight!”
Same things go for this. No one wants to imagine you going through two sleeves full of Nutter Butters as crumbs fall daintily onto your washboard stomach. No one needs that mental image.
6. “I hate Beyoncé.”
Look, I don’t even love Beyoncé that much, but even I know that this statement is bullshit. There is literally nothing about her that you can hate, at worst you can only feel neutrally towards her and impressed with her consistency/work ethic. Saying you hate her is just an exercise in petty contrarianism, and it’s not a good look on anyone.
7. “You’re dating them?”
What is someone supposed to say to this, exactly? Like, “Yes, I am dating this person that you clearly don’t approve of, thanks for reminding me that you think my relationship is some combination of beneath me and offensive to your taste level. I have many things to do with this new information!!”
8. “Oh, really? Well I did ____!”
The one-upper. I can’t even. We’re all guilty of this from time to time, often without realizing it, but that’s really no excuse. Because — and we’ve all been on the receiving end of this, too — there are few things worse than announcing some form of cool/good news and having someone swoop in to promptly defecate on your sense of fulfillment, and fly away on wings of self-satisfaction. Whether it’s name-dropping someone more important that they know, or mentioning a more impressive thing that they did in the professional sphere, there is just no saving the conversational-and-emotional quicksand that is one-upping. In terms of discomfort, you might as well just repeat the word “moist” over and over again when someone says something they’re proud of.
9. “I’m soooo busy.”
Right, because the rest of us are just sitting here in a suspended reality — not unlike those goo pods from The Matrix — waiting for you to descend into our realm and let us know when is good for brunch. No one has anything to do but you, and your level of busy far outweighs ours. You let us know when you are free.
10. “That [outfit/hairstyle/makeup] is so interesting.”
Bitch, we all know what that heavily-emphasized ‘interesting’ means, and it is not a synonym for cute.
11. “I’m so fat!” (Said by the conventionally thin, attractive girl.)
Can we all just say what we mean in this instance, please? “I know that I am in no way society’s definition of fat, or even of chubby — because, if I was, I would be mortified at hearing people’s tepid responses — but I am currently experiencing a mild lull in my compliment-receiving marathon, so I would like to renew that resource as efficiently as possible.” If you want people to soothe and remind you that you are, indeed, thin and beautiful, just be straightforward about it.
12. “Looks like somebody went out last night. *Shit-eating grin.*“
Ooh, you got me, I have a crippling hangover. And nothing feels better when all the lights are too loud and your hair hurts than having some perky coworker who just got off a 20-mile mountain bike ride, or whatever the hell you people do, remind you that everyone can tell.
13. “Love will come when you stop looking for it.”
Nothing more satisfying than this trumpeting-angel-accompanied proclamation from high atop Mount Stable Couple, reminding you that in your frantic, boulder-upturning struggle to find a decent date on OKCupid, all you have to do is stand perfectly still and wait for Prince Charming to fly like wayward debris into your orbit. It’s just so condescending, and makes absolutely no sense in practice, because the chances of stumbling haphazardly on the love of your life in the eight percent of your waking moments that aren’t at work or eating dinner in front of Netflix are relatively low. I met my boyfriend on the internet because I was looking for a decent person that I didn’t happen to be coming in contact with already, and there is no shame in looking for love. Even when you’re kissing a couple of frogs on the way, at least you’re kissing. Don’t let any smug couples shame you out of your divine quest.