You COULD live by this maxim. OR you could live by the more appealing, joyless and realistic one that I have stamped on my throw pillow: Fart, vomit, die. The…

The Disney movies seem oddly interested in captive, passive women suffering in extremis, like a Lars von Trier movie for kids.

Getting woken up in the middle of the night to wipe shit out of another human’s ass crack might not be your definition of rock-bottom, but it’s mine.

As humans have progressed, they’ve employed their critical thinking skills in a fashion that challenges things people used to never question.

Tucking yourself tightly under the covers so things can’t get you.

Interviewers like candidates who take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.

So please, come along with me, and let’s finally learn all the hidden lessons from R.L. Stine books that you missed the first time around, probably because you were too…

11. “A Game of Thrones”: Everyone You Love Will Die

“Breaking up with that awesome girl in college because I wasn’t ready to settle down. Been trying to find a girl that awesome ever since (or remotely close).”

12. Taking a date to Placita Olvera is totally a cute/viable option, most likely with someone you met while hiking Runyon Canyon.

8. Intentionally Out-Obscuring Your Peers

Who said death had to be this morbid. If you’re crying, please stop. What if my death is a glorious celebration? Could you celebrate it for me?

So basically like strip clubs and Quidditch, that’s what I think an internship consists of.

“A book should be an axe to break the frozen sea within us.” – Kafka

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes –…

10. “Anchorman: The Legend Continues.”

Intelligence is not measured by exams, creativity not by output, desire not by action and honesty not by circumstance.

You know it’s still on your iPod and, while you may not click on it, if your music is on shuffle and you hear that beat kick in, you’re not…

22. “Silver Linings’ Playbook.”

One of the most dreaded words a fan of horror movies can hear is remake. It sends chills down the spines of eager audiences desperately wanting to get their next…

You spend two hours each day reading travel blogs and websites.

It’s the end to your misadventures in a foreign land, and end to the identity you carefully crafted and experimented with, an end to the reality you authored, an end…

7. I hear the same two jokes over and over again about how I look too tired and should just drink more coffee. Very original. I wake up at 3:30…

I feel like the earth is still getting back on its normal orbit a year after this song made every woman’s ass shake collectively for the first time.

It would solve a lot of problems if men broke up with women only after they’re absolutely certain this is what they want. Try picturing her sleeping with someone else.…

12. A Best Friend.

Words convey our most powerful emotions: love, hate, anger, joy.

“I can eat as much as I want and I don’t gain weight!”

Every minute in America, at least 5 of your Facebook friends are getting engaged (give or take).

There is nothing more simple, and yet we are often far too modest when it comes to what we’re capable of or what we have accomplished. Even when we’ve done…

I’m just poor little Rach(a)el (depending on the intelligence of the commentator) Sacks who just was soooooo sad that a cashier showed her a little disdain.

There is no way this guy doesn’t like you. Look at you. You’re a babe.

You will blow every misstep on his part out of proportion, because inside you know you never should have been with him.

5. “Captain Phillips.”

When I first started, I figured I could control it; and at the beginning I could.

4. “Let the Right One In.”

We all have crosses to bear, don’t we?

I’m not one of those people who try to be poor to relate to people. I think that’s honestly really disgusting behavior, it’s as if you’re saying that you have…

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: you’re out having a fun, drunken night with friends or co-workers and the next morning you wake up staring down at the…

If it’s a device, delete it.

I’m going to spend the night tanning, exfoliating and then staring at myself hatefully in the mirror before treating myself to a Skinny Girl margarita and crying myself to sleep.

What happened guys? You used to be cool.

The awkward glances, the slow hour-and-a-half you spend staring at a movie screen, inching – centimetering, really – your hand towards theirs.

Why the hullabaloo over my $300 anti-aging neck moisturizer?? Just kidding. (Or am I?)

Live human contact is slowly becoming a thing of the past. It’s gotten to the point where when someone calls me (instead of sending me a text), I think something…

Actually, when you think about it, going grocery shopping together is one of your favorite things.

Fanny. Sorry but that word does not mean butt. It means vagina.

12. Go on a long ass drive alone. Play all your favorite songs and coast with one hand out the window as you rip past.

Chances are if you’re reading this, then you’re not in middle school anymore. If you are, then stop reading right now because you must preserve your reputation for “coolness.”

12. The innocent hair twirl