1.”I’m Not Really Into Labels”
Translation: If I’m saying this and am also completely serious, it probably means I’m 27 and haven’t had a real job in 4 years. Also, my music taste is insufferable.
2. “We aren’t dating…we’re talking”
Translation: One time I expressed vulnerability, and it was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. I’ve thus committed to spending the next 5-7 years of my life being miserable, out of fear of having to express an ounce of real emotion.
3. “You Should Come Over And Watch A Movie”
Translation: While this is certainly a thinly-veiled ploy to have sex, if you’re the type of girl who is going to come over and insist that I watch 27 Dresses (and expect pay me to attention for more than 5 minutes), there is no future here.
4. “I’m not really into putting relationship stuff on Facebook.”
Translation: I’d prefer not to get ripped on by my friends for all of eternity.
5. “Let’s grab drinks tonight.”
Translation: I’m too scared to talk to you without having at least 3 drinks. This of course, is in addition to the 2 drinks I’m planning to have before meeting up with you.
6. “I’ve just been burned before in relationships.”
Translation: One time I got dumped and really resonated with 2004 Usher. I don’t like you enough do be in a relationship with you, but I do really like 2004 Usher. Not as good as 2008 Usher (Love In This Club is a cultural touchstone), but definitely pretty solid. I do respect how Usher has evolved with the times, but 2004 Usher should never be forgotten.
7. “I wasn’t flirting with her. I’m just a friendly guy.”
Translation: Even if I was flirting with her, do you remember those messages I initially tried to woo you with on Tinder? It’s amazing you saw past those. You have nothing to worry about.
8. “I just need a night out with the guys. You understand, right?”
Translation: You don’t watch Game of Thrones, and I need to socialize with people who watch Game of Thrones.
9. “I just want to watch a little football, eat a few wings, and kick back.”
Translation: I need to spend a few hours forgetting the fact that my life isn’t remotely close to what I imagined it was gonna be. Also, Honey Barbecue.
10. “It was nice meeting your friends.”
Translation: I recently met your friends, and no matter how I actually feel about them, it makes absolutely no sense for me to express any opinion other than that “they were nice.”