1. For the first time in your adult life, you can take a motherfucking bath.
2. Since your entire culinary collection now consists only of three martini glasses and a corkscrew, the idea of cooking seems downright laughable, and you decide the best option is to subsist solely on Chinese food take-out. This only becomes a problem when you have nothing to offer visitors except gummy vitamins and tap water.
3. Now that you have total control over your decor, you become obsessed with nonsensical ideas like Feng shui, color palette, and “flow.” The only websites you visit are Dwell, Apartment Therapy, and Refinery29.
4. You try to persuade your friends to drink at your place in lieu of going to the bar. Not because you’re anti-social, but because you’re so damn broke from all the extra rent you’re paying.
5. It becomes frighteningly easy for your sparkling pad to suddenly become a full-out filth fest. Sure it can feel liberating to only take out the trash or do those dishes if you feel like doing it — But you soon realize that if you don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.
6. When you do decide to clean, it’s actually a pleasurable experience because you’re 100% certain that the filth is yours and yours alone.
7. An entire weekend can go by, and you realize that the only human contact you’ve had is with the Chinese food delivery guy.
8. If the buzzer rings or there’s a knock on your door after 9PM, your heart stops and you’re now the lead character in SCREAM 5.
9. Even though you bought that gorgeous (and pricy!) West Elm kitchen table because you wanted to live like an adult, all of your meals are eaten either on the couch or in your bed.
10. The time you spend watching TV in a day jumps from 30 minutes to 18 hours.
11. Now that you have complete boob tube control, you are slightly disturbed to find that your favorite shows are: My 600-lb Life, Hoarders: Buried Alive, and Say Yes to the Dress.
12. Dating and having a normal sex life actually become possible.
13. Now that you’ve been stripped of any inhibitions, you realize that you’re a total weirdo with a penchant for talking to yourself in different accents, late night interpretive dance, using your hand as a fork, and never ever wearing clothes.
14. You only pee with the door open. Because you can.
15. It can be frighteningly easy to go M.I.A for long periods of time, and it feels like you’ve been released from Alcatraz when you decide to actually join the human race again. Friends ask where the hell you’ve been; you go on about being so busy with “social commitments” when in actuality you’ve been on your couch curled up in a down comforter watching Sex and the City marathons. But the best part is that no one but you will ever know.