A Shiksa’s Guide: 12 Steps To Landing Your Jewish Crush

New Girl
New Girl

So you’ve developed a crush on the baby-faced brunette a few doors down.  You realize he celebrated Passover.  You wonder what Passover is, anyway… Is that for eating or fasting?  Do they give gifts?  Don’t fret!  Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be romantically enjoying your lox and latkes in bed in no time.

1. Possess the necessary genetic qualities: blonde hair, blue eyes, boobs, and petite frame.

Jewish boys love light hair and blue eyes.  It’s natural for them to want to mix their genes up a bit, so make yourself as white-girl as possible.  Also, get a push up bra if your ta-tas are small, because my personal experience leads me to believe that curves were a definite factor.  The fourth and most difficult to achieve is a petite frame, but it’s critical.  Jewish boys are typically shorter, and they want to feel big and masculine around their new, blonde love bird.  If you’re not already short yourself, ask a voodoo woman to put a spell on you.  The tinier the better.

2. Dress well.  You’ve got some competition.

Let’s cut to the chase:  Jewish girls are stylish.  They know what’s going on in the fashion world, and they’re used to getting what they want.  If you are going to make yourself stand out around these sassy ladies, you better strut your stuff and get to shopping.  It’s survival of the trendiest.

3. Share an interest in the indie music genres of folk, EDM, and/or thug rap.

I have never met a Jewish boy who wasn’t interested in indie music.  Even the most uptight finance guys have a slighthipster edge.  If you’re in for the long run with your new Jewish playmate, fire up Spotify and blast the Edward Sharpe, Swedish House Mafia, and Lil Boosie stations.  Learn yo shit, music fan.

4. Study all religions in some sort of college course.

I firmly believe that everyone should study religion; it makes you a more pluralistic person when discussing world news or understanding the nature of human life.  Regardless, Jewish boys like to tell me “I’m Jewish, but I don’t really practice it.”  You need to know what the hell that means!  It also amps up the romance when you know what they’re talking about when they return from Birthright.

5. Ditch the GOP.

Jewish boys are not Republican.  They’re mostly libertarian, although many claim to be liberal.  They like to argue about this, too, so grow a thick skin and see the fun in a political debate.  Their mothers, aunts, and sisters are strong women, so don’t be afraid to push back a little bit.  Show him your chutzpah, you saucy Gentile lady.

6. If you must identify yourself as a Christian, go for old-school gold with Catholicism or the Episcopal Church.

If you studied religion as I suggested, you wouldn’t be surprised by this.  These two churches are deeply rooted with rules and tradition, yet share a liberal stance on social issues… Ah yes, now you see where I’m headed, right?  It’s similar to Judaism in a backwards kind of way.

7. Say yes to weed, but no to cigarettes and tattoos.

Be chill, girl.  Most Jewish dudes are either a mad cool bruh or anxiously anal retentive.  His friends are a mixture of both, because Jewish boys stay friends from summer camp until adulthood.  Master the art of being a classy non-tainted lady while seamlessly getting down with his friends.

8. Eat healthy.

Have you ever read anything about eating Kosher?  Good Elohim!  Rabbit food I tell you, rabbit food.  Even if your boy doesn’t eat Kosher himself, someone in his family at least attempts it.  Be sympathetic to that, and don’t push all that fatty food their way.  It’s all about respect.

9. Get yourself some goals, girlfriend.

Your Jewish crush was built for success.  His parents want the world for their children, but they want their children to learn to do it for themselves.  It’s a great way to grow up, and if you’re ever going to get along with his Mom, you better be just a goal-driven as he is.  None of that MRS degree madness.  Make moolah for yourself.

10. Have Jewish friends.

I hit the jackpot with childhood Jewish friends.  They’re smart, cool, and just as unathletic as me.  Keep ’em around; you’ll need a personal doctor, lawyer, and CPA one day.  They’ll be thrilled to welcome your crush into your group and will teach you how to make matzah ball soup when he’s sick.  Even better?  Get to know your Jewish friends’ mothers.  These women are quick witted, picky, and reliable.  They also know everything about everyone and will be more than willing to research your new lover way beyond what Facebook and Google will tell you.

11. Learn Yiddish.

It’s a sarcastic, dirty language, and all Jewish folk use it.  Before getting your panties in a wad over an exact translation, just embrace it and laugh.  Laugh a lot.  They do.

12. Eat the kugel.

Yum.  Need I say more? TC mark

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