1. Tells you to stop posting on his Facebook wall.
Now that my grandma is on it, Facebook has pretty much lost all of its fun, but has somehow managed to maintain its clout. Talking about Facebook like this does feel silly, but there’s also no arguing with the fact that it will always be a public and social platform and therefore the perfect medium for your boyfriend to prove his love for and commitment to you. There’s just something about a guy who deliberately washes away any trace of his girlfriend on his Facebook that makes me think he’s not fully committed. Or else why would he be trying to hide her? So if your boyfriend asks you to stop posting on his Facebook wall, take a minute to think about why he might want this, and then consider dumping that ass.
2. Wears his hair in a bun.
For all intents and purposes, yes, a man could have fashioned his hair into a bun in the 90s, but it would not have been called a “man bun.” The term “man bun” was recently introduced into our lexicon because of the immediacy of the situation; in just the past year, man buns have gotten so bad that we can no longer ignore them. And so we dubbed it the “man bun,” in order to have a consistent term to return to and constantly degrade. Everyone has a different opinion; some consider the clinching moment to have been Jared Leto’s ombré man bun. Personally, I felt the weight of the man bun’s urgency as this particular style of man bun started to gain momentum: the man bun flanked by two shaved sides, seen her on Colin Farrell:
Man buns used to be under-the-radar and thus more forgivable, but now, as men everywhere are softening up to the bun, there’s really no excuse. So if your man wears a bun, know that it’s a conscious attempt to hurt your eyes and soul, and should not be tolerated.
3. Instagrams photos of other girls.
OK, slow your goddamn roll and let me explain myself. A boyfriend who is posting photos of a girl who he’s friends with, who he talks about a good amount and who he has introduced you to is more than fine. What I’m referring to is a boyfriend who uploads photos of another girl you don’t know and who he’s never before mentioned — that, my friend, is shady.
If your man is feeling extra dick-ish, he might even throw a #1 and #3 at you all at once. A double whammy, if you will, wherein he shows just how much he’s taking you for granted by posting photos of a pretty girl you don’t know, but still forbidding you to post on his Facebook wall.
4. Crops you out of an Instagram (and, by extension, his life).
Thanks to The Cut, girls can now be insecure about one more thing: the prospect of being cropped out of their man’s life. Which is precisely what this sweet boy here did — even going so far as to make a diptych to really drive the point home. In the left photo, we have here a picture of us together as a happy couple, he’s seeming to say. But scan your eyes a centimeter to the right, and that’s where I’d like us to be at right now: you, cropped out; me, single. Well thanks for the PowerPoint @cjkarl11 — although, y’know, a simple “we’re over” would have done the job too.
5. Conspicuously hides his phone from you.
It’s always reassuring when a guy you’re seeing gets a text message, picks up his phone, and then runs to the corner of the room and crouches behind your bed to answer it. Hey, have I mentioned how unperceptive I am? No? Well maybe that’s because I’m not, and am well aware of the fact that you won’t let me within a five-foot-radius of your phone when you’re using it. Gee, I wonder if you have anything to hide…
6. You have a pregnancy scare and he sends you this app.
Just because abortions and the morning-after pill exist, doesn’t mean we’re ready and willing for either one at any given moment. Most times, yes, we’ll do just about anything to abort your unborn child, but both abortions and the morning-after pill are still physically very painful. And so it’s nice to have all the support we can get, especially if it’s from the guy who is 50% responsible for this mess. Conversely, I imagine it would feel extra shitty if, instead of being by your side for support, the dude simply sent you the Teens In NYC app, which provides a list of abortion clinics that are closest to you.