I lied about having a mentally challenged sister to prove a point.
I feel really guilty about this, but it just slipped out.
Part of my job is to help people navigate online forms and such. Monday, this particularly annoying parent called claiming that there is an issue with the server, our site, anything but user error. I told her to log on and I would walk her through it. She says, “I swear, there is something wrong with your website! I know I could do this. It’s not me, it’s your website. I am NOT completely retarded!” I replied, “my mentally retarded sister actually completed this a few minutes ago, so it’s not that, either.” Silence on her end and I walked her through it. Turns out that she just cannot follow simple instructions.
I have a mentally handicapped cousin, but my sisters are fine. I feel guilty for telling a lie, although I hate when people say anything along the lines of: oh that’s/you’re/whatever’s retarded.
Backstory: My SO’s high school sweetheart (we’ll call her Mary) and my SO (let’s call him Joe) have remained close friends even though they’ve not dated in 8 years. Joe and I had a huge fight and split a couple of months ago, but have since been working out our problems and are planning to marry. This is where Mary comes in.
In the past year Mary was diagnosed with a rare brain condition, was raped, which resulted in a pregnancy (she kept the baby and pressed charges on the rapist), and during the pregnancy she found out she had a serious fast growing cancer. Her baby is now close to four months old, she also has a three year old son (neither child is with Joe), and she found out about a month ago that she is terminal. She’s so far gone in the cancer that she only has a few weeks left to live and is now in home hospice care.
As I said before, she and Joe are still very close friends, and after his first visit with her when she found out she was dying, her family begged him to make it seem to her that they are in a relationship because she felt ugly because of the cancer eating away at her body and alone and unloved. He agreed because he does still love her very much, if not in a romantic way. Their “relationship” consists of him driving up and spending a couple of days with her (she lives a couple of hundred miles away) once a week or so and helping with household chores, meals, etc, and holding her hand while she hurts, trying to distract her from what’s going on, and talking to her and comforting her.
The last time he was there visiting her brother brought an engagement ring for him to give to her as a promise to be with her until the end. Joe had serious misgivings about this, feeling as though he were putting on a front because he would not be with her in a relationship, let alone proposing, if not for the circumstances. He went ahead and did it at the urging of her family, but felt bad.
Now, during the last month of all this he and I have been working on our issues and getting along rather well, and discussing plans to marry soon, etc. But Mary is the elephant in the room. We recently took a HUGE vacation together but I couldn’t post anything about his part in it on facebook for fear of Mary and her family finding out he is actually with someone else. We even discussed going to a beach side wedding chapel on the trip, but he didn’t want to marry me while playing this part for her. I know that as soon as she passes we will move on, get married, I’ll be able to post the rest of the stuff from our trip, etc, but it makes me feel morbid, like I’m waiting for this poor woman to snuff it so I can have my man back.
A few notes: he has my blessing in all this. I know she’s dying, has very limited time left, and I am fine with what he’s doing. I know his “engagement” to her is making her happy and making her fight harder, giving her older child just a little more time with his mother before she passes and making her days a little less miserable.
I will never be happy. I have always based my happiness off what others think about me. I cannot find any self esteem in other accomplishments. I never cared when I aced papers or when I got a promotion. Instead of being happy about my accomplishments, I am miserable over awkward conversations and lost friends. I’ve had therapy my whole life with different therapists.
I’ve tried lots of different medications. None of it works.
I will never be happy because a part of me does not think I deserve to be happy, so i will always find a reason to be miserable.
I cut myself a couple days before spring break hoping my Dad would put me in a psychiatric hospital, so I wouldn’t have to spend two weeks at home with him.
He had just found out I was hurting myself again a week or two before, he was mad and threatened to put me in a facility if I do it again. I was put in one a year prior for self harm.
I forget exactly why I didn’t want to spend spring break with him, since it was a little over four months ago. I think it was mainly because of how he treats and I didn’t want to spend two weeks from morning to night with him making me feel like shit. I was really depressed at the time.
He ended up not putting me in a facility, I don’t really remember how the two weeks went but I don’t think it was that bad.
I don’t self harm anymore, just thought I should put that in.
I am currently 5’3 and 98 pounds, goal weight is 85-95. I think my body is beautiful, because other people tell me it is. I’m proud all my clothes finally look good. I think it’s sick tumblr took away all the thinspo blogs and left the fat acceptance ones up. I think it’s sick so many people judge skinny girls. They tell larger ones to love their bodies while they stuff their face. They tell skinny girls they’re just bones. Do you know how much effort it takes?
I’m finally happy. I love thinspo and I love my pro ana community. I used to be severely depressed and would cut, but now I’m happy.