I don’t know how I do it…but for years now, it’s been common for me to be able to charm a female friend into sending me provocative, or nude, photos. My most recent collection is only a year old, because of a relationship before then (Noteworthy: I love love, I’m a romantic. When I’m in a relationship with a woman I love, I refuse to receive any pictures and to flirt with anyone else) It’s 5 girls, now, whose pictures (ranging anywhere from just 5 pictures to 20+) I have stored on my laptop.
I’m a night owl. Whether that’s by choice or by compulsion, I have yet to know. Very frequently, I spend hours upon hours scouring through porn sites and these pictures, sometimes trying to convince these female friends to send me a fresh one (rarely successful, these days), only to find THE one. I find the right one…and then I’m done. I have to laugh at myself because of how ridiculous I am. 4 hours of scrolling through pictures, watching videos….
I want this to stop. I lose so much sleep, and I just feel terrible. I know there’s a deeper connection to this behavior but I have no idea what it could possibly be. The idea of deleting these pictures stresses me out. I don’t let anyone on my laptop, I don’t let anyone see my phone if I know there’s a provocative picture anywhere on my phone, and I sure as hell don’t tell these girls that I have these pictures saved up. If I delete these pictures, I’ll just try and acquire new ones.
I’m the living exception to “If you send a man a nude, he’ll show everyone”.
I want this to stop. I don’t know if it’s an addiction because I only ever really think of it at night, after my entire day is through. I don’t think about it during the day at all. Then, at night, “I wonder if I can find some pictures from this girl’s photobucket account from 4 years ago…” or some stupid thought process like that which takes up 2 or 3 hours. Finally, I just put a slideshow of all the pictures up, masturbate, finish, and sulk.
It’s 4 AM. This is the latest I’ve stayed up in several months.
What can I do to stop this behavior?