“He sits up, looks over her shoulder, and sees what she’s doing, still in her sleep: loading his revolver.”

A small voice comes from inside of you: “never?”

Feeling depressed? Hug someone.

You bump into an end table on the way out the door and you briefly stop to say “excuse me,” because you wouldn’t want that end table to think that…

There’s a quote from Mike Tyson that went something like “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” That concept applies to entering the palace of altered…

Dolores Umbridge from “Harry Potter.”

“I was called a slut for being a woman out at night.”

After getting out of a long-term relationship I’ve found myself in a string of no-label relationships.

You’ve come to terms that success isn’t defined by how deep your pockets are. Though this is mostly out of personal convenience.

When I was first diagnosed, I was planning for my funeral. I never thought I would be planning my granddaughter’s wedding.

Never use jargon words like reconceptualize, demassification, attitudinally, judgmentally. They are hallmarks of a pretentious ass.

Every single day, write down a list in two columns: what brought you satisfaction and what brought you frustration. Look at the patterns. This is how you should be adjusting…

Take a look at Hollywood. All of the classic beauties were brunettes.

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

4. I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?

There are so many variables acting against me. For instance, my hand is always coming at that thing from an awkward angle.

I never thought I would still be nomadic. My original round-the-world trip was only supposed to last one year before I went back home, found a “real” job, settled down,…

So I don’t hate Kate Menendez because she chose to be rich. I hate her because she chose to be an a-hole.

The thing about really pretty girls — and I’m talking about the kind of girls who go on vacation to Miami together and get accosted by every single event photographer…

10. You constantly entertain wild, all too memorable threesomes. (Couch + Blanket + Alcohol.)

Remember all those backyard barbecues, all those prime rib dinners? Neither do I; they never happened — because I loved you.

6. You’ve frenched a juggalo.

“If each dead person became a ghost, there’d be more than 100 billion of them haunting us all. Creepy, but cool.”

When you meet someone for the first time, realize that you know nothing about them. You see race, gender, age, clothes. Forget it. You know nothing.

“Eight years and this is the ending we get?!?”

The person that was cheated on is showered with cards and nail polish and cookie dough from her friends, friends that were once yours as well, but now will turn…

No one is pumped about moving back in with their parents. No one is like, “Sweet, after all of this time developing myself as an individual and getting to taste…

Bragging about being from the 90’s, dressing like you’re from the 80’s and listening to music from the 70’s.

“I love mine, and she’s an amazing person, but if my ex were to kiss me right now, it would all be over.”

Briefly, you’ll feel like the world is more than manageable; it’s easily conquerable.

We don’t know how to phase people in and out of our lives without getting attached, so sometimes, circumstances will do the phasing for us.

I think that people should never be judged solely on their online presence.

College — like anything else in life — sucks sometimes. Brace yourself and prepare with a list of the 10 worst experiences you will face during college:

I’ll respect your background if you respect mine.

Make a pact with your friends to never force each other into ugly/unflattering bridesmaids dresses.

From the start of the summer, he vented to me about the growing tension in his year-and-a-half long relationship with his girlfriend.

14. When people say “That’s funny” or “LOL” instead of actually laughing. What’s with that?

32. Over the bridge to Pimpleton (n.) – cumbersome term for homosexual intercourse.

Glad she got caught, however, not so sure I support the way these two dudes handled it.

26. You’ve never driven an ambulance to the hospital emergency room, but you’ve tried to get chocolate from the grocery store to your home before it melts in an Arizona…

39. If you were to take a shot every time you or your friends say the word “problematic,” you would always be shitfaced.

Pumpkin Spice & Cider vs. Eggnog & Hot Chocolate

Old enough to know everything, but too young to actually know anything.

You don’t know if you’re going to be able to handle them both, if you’re honest with yourself.

1. Bathe Yourself In Baby Powder

4. Funny – “Stop being weird.”

Everyone needs more exercise, and it can certainly help a lot of people with temporary bouts of sadness, but someone who experiencing clinical depression is not going to be greatly…

It was never something I obsessed over, or even let myself think about more than once. But my boyfriend’s dad’s best friend was different.

I knew I loved him pretty young. We would always be the two kids at the event who would go off and play by themselves, and when we hit our…

Some smart ass comebacks.