When I worked in retail, we had a christmas tree up before halloween like so many other retail establishments. A kid walked in, couldn’t have been older than 8, there with his dad.
As I’m helping them out, we begin a light conversation and get onto the topic of holidays as tends to happen around that time of the year. I mention my casual disdain for displaying a Christmas tree before Halloween. The kid took a second, clearly thinking to himself for a moment, and responds: “Well maybe it’s just a regular tree that dressed up as a christmas tree for halloween.”
I was at a big park with my girlfriend, standing on a bridge overlooking a river. There was another small group looking over as well, two parents and their 4 or 5 year old kid. The father was pointing at something a bit far away “Look, a turtle!” The kid tells him “Dad, that’s not a turtle, that’s a rock.” The dad insists it’s a turtle. The kid points at another obvious rock and goes “Oh look, another turtle!” Rarely have I heard someone so young deliver something so sarcastic in such a dry manner.
Child: I love pigs, pigs are cute! eats hot dog
Me: Well I think that hot dog you’re eating might be partially made of pig.
Child: Nu-uh, it comes from cows.
Me: Well some hot dogs come from pigs, and you eat those.
Child: Well they taste good.
Me: I agree.
Child: Cows, pigs, people, who cares? We’re all a bunch of murderers anyway. I just wanna eat my hot dog and think pigs are cute.
8 years old.
My two (5 + 7) arguing today while having burgers
7: “Do you think cows are cute? Well you’re eating one hahah!”
5: Thinks a moment “It’s their own fault. They should be tougher. I don’t eat lions.”
It wasn’t to me, but when my cousin was ~10-years-old or so he had a big bag of skittles. His father has diabetes that is fairly under control, but he always eats whatever he wants anyway. He asks my cousin, “Hey buddy, what you got there?” and my cousin without missing a beat turns to him, holds out the bag, and says, “Amputation, you want some?” I was cracking up for days thinking about that one.
Not me, but my brother in law tells this tale.
He was driving with his three year old daughter some years back and to keep her amused during the drive he was asking her what noises different animals make.
Dad: What does a cow say?
Dad: What does a cat say?
Dad: What does a pig say?
Girl: Oink oink.
Then dad decides to mess with the girl.
Dad: What does a turtle say?
Girl: (hesitates a moment, then burst out smiling) Kowabunga dude!
Me: You were dropped as a child.
My little brother: Yeah, dropped into a pool of sexy.
I was working at a summer camp once when I saw a 6-year-old with his shoes on the wrong feet. I told him that and he gave me a confused look and said, “I don’t have any other feet.”
My son (6 at the time): “Mom, what if I pooped out gold?!”
Me: “Well, we would be very rich.”
Son: “No, IIIIIIIIII would be very rich, YOU would be very nice to me.”
10. Wow, she’s sassy
My mom is a grade 2 teacher and one year had a very sassy little girl named Heather. One day, students came in complaining from recess that Heather was spreading a rumor that two of the other students had kissed under the jungle gym. My mom pulled Heather aside and the following conversation ensued:
Mom: Heather, you can’t talk about people behind their back. Do you know what it’s called when you do that?
Heather: Yeah. It’s called socializing.
Not said directly to me, but overheard last week. I was on a crowded train when it stopped for a few minutes. The standard prerecorded “We are sorry for the delay to your journey” announcement came on over the loudspeaker. “Are you REALLY?” said the small child standing behind me. If an adult or older child had said that I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but for a child about 5/6 years old to so perfectly sum up what every passenger was thinking was pretty amusing.
My son, when he was four to an asshole adult:
“I’m small, not stupid.”
A 5-year-old neighbor kid used to come over to hang out with me (I was 30).
He was the middle kid of seven children and his father had left, so I was kind of his big brother.
He had been in some trouble at school for acting up and swearing, so I had established the rule that he couldn’t say swear words unless an adult had used them first.
One day we were riding bikes when he suddenly and deliberately accelerated into a large pile of brush that had been left for pick-up.
I don’t know what he thought would happen, but it promptly removed him from his bike and deposited him on his ass.
As he dusted himself off he calmly asked me, “What is that word was that meant poop but was worse?”
I replied, “Shit???”
“Yeah,” he said, then “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT…!!!”
I nearly fell off my own bike laughing.
A few years ago, I was babysitting and watching Fantasia with my youngest brother, who was about 7 at the time. In the final act, as the Chernabog is summoning evil spirits and such, my brother turns to me and starts asking all of these theological questions, such as “What is heaven?”, “Why is there a hell?”, and the like.
I try to ELI5 to the best of my ability, and say to him, “Hell is where bad people’s souls go after they die as punishment for the bad things they did while they were alive.” He then asks me, “Well, where is Hell?” I told him that I honestly had no idea.
He then says to me, completely unprompted, “I’m pretty sure Hell is in New Jersey.”
I never corrected him.
15. Wait, what?
At a restaurant my daughter was speaking loudly. My husband told her to use her inside voice. She looked at him in confusion and loudly whispered, “My inside voice tells me to burn things.”
It’s not very witty, but it was very straightforward. A couple of years ago, when I was in college, I was doing a field placement in inner-Milwaukee.
Student: Well at least YOU get paid to be here.
Me: No, I don’t.
Student: Well, Miss ____, that’s some bullshit.
My friend’s 6-year-old daughter told me she didn’t trust people who smile at her all the time because she felt like they probably wanted something from her. I think I was in my 20s before I had that kind of insight.
My wife was painting a little girl’s face on the Fourth of July. The sun was about to set and the girl looked at my wife and said, “You know the sun is going to explode one day, right?”
Soccer coach. I missed a shot and said that I expected them to do better because they aren’t old like me, and this one kid says (innocently), “Has anyone ever made it to your age before?”
20. It’s true
I was pregnant with twins and teaching kindergarten. One day, my sister came to visit my class. She asked the students, “If I am your teacher’s sister, what will the babies call me?”
Everybody thought about it and then one said, “Auntie,” to which another replied:
“No, they aren’t gonna call her anything because babies don’t talk.”
My brother in law put my almost 2-year-old niece in the tub before turning the water on. She looks up at him and says “What the hell?” She had never said it before and the fact that she understood what context to use that phrase blew us away.
“What are you doing?”
23. And she’s right
5 y.o. Daughter: “What is baby powder?”
Me: “Powder made out of babies.”
Daughter: “Daddy! It would be RED if that were true!”
Me: “No, they dry them out first.”
Daughter: “You have problems.”
My daughter to my sister in law when she was 3-4: “Why are you so fat?”
My sister-in-law: “Because I’ve had two kids.”
My daughter: “Did you eat them?”
Made my sister-in-law laugh and cry at the same time.
Kid: Guess what I learned in school today!?
Me: What kiddo?
Kid: Boys have a penis, and GIRLS have an “agenda”.
Me: Yes…thats right.
Not intentionally witty, but still pretty good.
I was helping my twelve year-old cousin review for a science test and asked “What’s the stage of a microscope for?”
Next time I visit, his parents tell me he is learning the guitar.
“I want to hear a riff,” I say.
He then proceeds to do a ten minute riff on ‘what’s up with airline food?’
Impressive, considering he’s never even flown before.
27. That’s deep
We were at disney world, wearing those clear plastic rain ponchos they sell, and my little sister starts singing “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?”
Trying to see why my son didn’t want to do anything at the beach, he replied, “Dad, when you were 14, did YOU want to hang out with your dad?”