Every relationship is a unique, special snowflake – until it dissolves. Then its contents are reduced to cliché-riddled proclamations and accusations. Breakups bring the crappy screenwriter out in all of…

If you’re unattractive but singing/strumming/banging on drums to a captivated audience, you immediately become screwable. Why is this? Why were so many women willing to sleep with Rod Stewart and…

Kids ask me all the time what’s wrong with my face. Children lack social awareness, which makes them simultaneously horrible and awesome. Just when I want to turn around in…

Truth be told, the breakup was your fault. You’re the one who impulsively broke it off; you’re the one who had a case of cold feet/commitment issues/other “plans” for your…

Men can be fat. Men can be Seth Rogen while women always have to be Katherine Heigl. Whaaaaat? I don’t get it! It’s not just in the movies either. I…

Especially when we look around us and see the rough, often devastating ends that young love can meet when it commits too quickly, the idea of acknowledging you met your…

The recent recession has done a great job of disguising the deadbeats — making them at first glance indistinguishable from the ambitious, driven young men merely fighting off the symptoms…

Before facing other humans, you need to get your Encyclopedia Brown on. It may be difficult to avoid humans if there’s one in your bed, but look past their naked…

So when do I get health insurance? Is that just a thing no one gets anymore? Is that a ludicrous thing to ask for? WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?…

Your Spring Boyfriend resembles the season itself: Gorgeous and quick. You’ll fall for them fast but they’ll be gone before you can say “Can you do that again?” You always…

What do you have to lose? The answer is: the cost of 1-3 beers, pride (if you happen to run into an ex), and time if it doesn’t work out.

While pop songs aren’t exactly known for being full of depth, Ke$ha’s little ditties take insipid to a whole new level. With her inane lyrics and slurred delivery, her vocal…

Halloween didn’t stand a chance with twentysomethings. It was made to be perverted and freaky. Today, just going trick-or-treating sounds ridiculously twee. “Oh my god, let’s get candy and stay…

You’ll feel old when you don’t care about staying in on the weekend, when you cancel on your friends and they don’t care, either. You used to need a real…

You know what’s the # 1 thing closeted guys like to say after hooking up with gay dudes? “I’m straight!” That or they cry. I had one straight guy who…

Your Disney film of choice says more than just what VHS was worn to tatters from merciless overuse when you were eight; it says which 1 hour and 30 minutes…

I don’t want to be friends with you because you don’t get it. I don’t know how to make you get it. If I could bottle “GETTING IT” and sell…

What do I need to do tomorrow? I know I have to fill out my W9, and go fax some stuff. I should probably do some laundry too. I don’t…

Dump someone if it feels like a lot of work, if it feels like you should be getting paid for babysitting whenever you’re together or if you feel like your…

The last time I saw it was at a midnight showing at IFC Center. I was going on a date with someone I didn’t really know and we both decided…

Because our reality, right now, it’s just about falling in love. Let’s put the real stuff aside—the past, our insecurities, all the baggage we’ve imported from all our journeys—and let’s…

I have lived in Los Angeles for over 12 years now, and one of the things that has made it a pleasant experience is finding ways to avoid driving, especially…

Sometimes, when it’s raining, I think about you. I think about you all the way over there, with all that ocean and all those years between us. I think about…

I’m in love with you because you’re my best friend. When people hesitate to call their partner their best friend, I’m incredulous as to why. Shouldn’t we all be falling…

Truth be told, I kind of love Avril. She makes unabashed catchy pop and makes no bones about the fact that she’s sort of a joke. But I can’t, won’t,…

When Facebook first became popular it was of social protocol to immediately add someone you had just met, anyone you had met. Saw them across the room at a high…

What separates Kim Kardashian from all the other ladies who came to being known via a sex tape is that she’s managed to parlay it into a career that has…

We’re best friends because I can take you anywhere and you’ll adapt. Whether it’s the chicest party or some insufferable family gathering, you’ll deal with it like a champ. I…

My best friends have always changed over time. There was Madison in second grade. I helped her plaster her bedroom walls in ‘Teen Beat’ Jonathan Taylor Thomas posters. She and…

When you go out, you always end up getting too messed up due to a combination of accepting too many free drinks from losers and drinking by yourself in the…

Minimize eye contact. As a general rule, the ratio of eye contact with your crush to how much you’re crushing on your crush should be inverse. If you must acknowledge…

Sometimes it’s okay to choose dicks before chicks. Sometimes it’s okay to go off the grid and just do the whole “I’M IN LOVE!” thing. The first few months of…

I am aware that a vast majority of people are both ashamed and embarrassed about farting, even though I’m not. I’m also aware that a vast majority of this vast…

I learned so much about myself from dating. I was challenged and put out of my comfort zone. I was taught how to compromise and how to deal with different…

Your first time is special. It sounds corny to say but how could it not be? SEX IS SO INSANE. The fact that we do it blows my mind on…

I’m pretending that I don’t like you like that, and I bet you don’t even know. Why would you? I’ve put a lot of effort into this charade, and I’m…

Maybe our generation should be called Generation :-) instead of Generation Y or whatever they’re calling us. Now, conveniently, you don’t have to put your complicated thoughts and sentiments into…

Stoned sex always begins with the best of intentions. Your senses are working overtime and everything feels so amazing but it usually devolves into a long sex nap with nachos.…

The best love songs make it possible for you to feel like you’re in love for the duration of the song. Even if you’ve been single for some time, you…

That’s the point where you really know, you really, really know, that you’ll be able to tell everything you need about a man’s feelings from the way he looks at…

bahahah: You’re a male programmer with a pony tail who’s generally seen as weird/ creepy/ nerdy by your IRL peers and as either a “guru” or a tyrannical dick by…

R&B is such a truly wonderful genre of music. The sheer, blinding earnestness of so many people trying not only to market sex itself, but how sexy they are as…

I’m sorry, but no amount of love, no Leo and Kate or Jim and Pam or Carrie and Big love, could ever justify the unimaginable bullshit that is eating dinner…

I want to impart my newfound wisdom to all of the readers who want their apartment to stop smelling like One Night Stand and Regret. Listen carefully, grasshoppers.

Herein lies the dilemma of having a crush. Do you actually want to act on it? Do you want to give them your phone number and resign yourself to feeling…

Um, you’re creepy? Um, you’re too old? Um, you’re too aggressive? Um, you smell like onions? Um, I think you have a boyfriend? Um, you just graduated high school? Um,…

It’s all a game we play. You’re not supposed to know how much power you had over me. You’re not supposed to how much I thought about you, how often…

Texting me after 10 on a weeknight is a lost cause dude. I’m watching episodes of Seinfeld on my couch, in my sweatpants, eating pizza. I turned off Social Me…

Your boss could be a fat eyesore and you might still want to sleep with them sometimes. Think of Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock. Dude is seriously old and portly…

Believe in yourself. Don’t feel like you’re not good enough to be loved. Self-pity is a good way to stay single. Self-respect is a good way to stay grounded. Remember…