Why I Have No Interest In Being Your Friend

I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re a taker, not a giver. You’ll sit here and laugh at my jokes, asking me to tell more stories, but you won’t give me anything in return. You’ll come to me for advice but fail to even ask how I’m doing. You suck the energy out of me. You don’t add anything to any given situation and I’m too old and busy now to carve out time for people who don’t mean the world to me.

I don’t want to be friends with you because the one thing that bound us together is now over. It might’ve been college or the fact that we both liked to drink a lot and now I’m getting sober or because we had no other friends and needed someone to latch on to. Whatever it was, it’s now over. I realize now that we were close by circumstance and our bond wasn’t strong enough to withstand changes.

I don’t want to be friends with you because we hang in different crowds. You go to sports bars and listen to Rob Thomas on your iPhone and have a casual belief in Jesus Christ. I don’t. Sometimes the surface things don’t matter. Sometimes best friends can like different music, clothes, religion, politics, and lovers, and still feel like they’re Feeling Twins. But other times, interests and hobbies are the ultimate decider. I didn’t make the rules, okay? The high school cafeteria did!

I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re shady. I thought you were cool. On the surface, everything checked out, but then I dug a little deeper and was creeped out by what I found. You’re just a total Etch-A-Sketch. You’ll air kiss me into oblivion and make me agree to brunch plans. Then, in the same breath, you’ll say something vaguely insulting about me.

I don’t want to be friends with you because I want to have sex with you. Like a lot. It’s getting to be too much for me. Ordinarily I would just deal with the fact that we’re platonic but with you, it’s too much. I will never not imagine you naked, which is a serious red flag for a potential friendship. You can either have none of me or all of me. Pick one.

I don’t want to be friends with you because you don’t get it. I don’t know how to make you get it. If I could bottle “GETTING IT” and sell it at the Friendship Store, I would but I can’t. I also can’t describe exactly why we don’t click as friends. The differences are subtle but they’re there. They’re there enough for me to be a flake and never show up to any of our plans. There’s no point in us getting coffee. All it’s going to do is make me feel depressed and remind me of how many people there are that I don’t relate to.

I don’t want to be friends with you because you don’t talk crap. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a friend who’s evil but I need someone who has opinions and likes to talk about them. If I could choose between spending time with someone who’s bland and agrees with everything I say {“OMG, totally. Yeah. I agree completely. Yup.”) or someone who’s completely different from me but has interesting thoughts, I’d definitely choose the latter. At least I wouldn’t be bored. TC mark

image – Lorraine Bruce

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1351650218 Kaity Wong

    I like the idea. Poor execution.

  • Alice

    This is great. Yes.

  • JB

    “You’re just a total Etch-A-Sketch. You’ll air kiss me into oblivion and
    make me agree to brunch plans. Then, in the same breath, you’ll say
    something vaguely insulting about me.” yes yes

    • Anonymous

      bitches need to die.

  • Bob

    Wasn´t someone else there to lavish you with attention?

  • Sophia

    The first paragraph is exactly what I’m terrified of being in a relationship.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    I’m confused, where do you go to watch a game with a group of people?

    • Lala

      um NO WHERE

  • Guest

    Dear diary…

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Pfft.  I didn’t want to be your friend either.

  • hrfe

    I would like to send this to so many of my former friends. And to add “I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re too flaky. You’ll be there for me one time and tell me you support me and love me and we’re friends but then if I ever need you again you’re not there. That’s not what you signed up! Its not fun to be my friend anymore? I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re an asshole.”

  • Guest

    All your articles are rubbish.

    • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar Sahar Soos

      GUEST….it hates Ryan O’Connell..

  • Blissinflux

    “I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re shady. I thought you were cool. On the surface, everything checked out, but then I dug a little deeper and was creeped out by what I found.”That’s really all I needed to see to agree. Taken individually, the other reasons given are kind of superficial and irrelevant. When pooled together, they’re still not much more than judgmental fluff; extraneous padding for the valid reason for not wanting to be friends. Fuck shady people. Being shady is an instant deal-breaker.

  • Lackadaisygirl

    OMG, totally. I agree completely. Yup.

  • Joy

    Wait, is this all describing the same person?

  • Anonymous
  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa
  • Joanna Ladzinski

    This almost perfectly articulates how I felt about a(n ex-) friend of mine,

  • douchegirl

    That picture of Brooke and Sam (?) is the best. 

    • Tandycandy

      oh my god i miss popular. I hate this post, but god i miss popular

  • MCQUEEN

    here for the use of popular (!!!!!)

  • Keasiley

    Ryan, I think you’re Awesome.  Such a clear voice.  Easily one of my favorite on the site by far.  Stay inspired sir, we need you.

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Anna

    “I don’t want to be friends with you because the one thing that bound us together is now over.” <–I wish I  could say this to a few people without coming across as rude!

    Love this post, Ryan!

  • Samantha

    I don’t want to be friends with you Ryan O’Connell. Because you write for thought catalog, Because you’re judgmental and you’re a pill.

  • Jane TL

    Very true.

  • Vargan Cranger

    holy shit. this is exactly the situation i am in.

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