What To Do When Your Best Friend Ditches You For Their BF/GF

We all have that friend in our lives who has trouble balancing their role as a boyfriend/ girlfriend and as a best friend. When they’re single, they were your right-hand man, going to the bars with you and practically living at your apartment. But then it happened. They came over one night to tell you that they’ve been seeing someone and they’re really happy and isn’t this great? You feign excitement and tell them, “Oh my god, that’s amazing. I must know more!” but in your mind, you’re thinking, “Andddd I’m never going to see you again. Bye!”

It’s not because you’re jealous (okay, maybe a little bit). It’s because you know that your BFF disappears whenever they get into a relationship. Here today, gone tomorrow. They get consumed with being in love and only reemerge when things have gone to crap and they need someone to cry to. When they reappear with tears running down their cheeks, your first instinct is to be like “Screw you. You go MIA for months and expect me to console you when your relationship hits a rough patch? As if!” You’re totally in the right for feeling this way. You might end up forgiving them though and become super close friends with them again. That is, until they find someone new to love and then they’re gone, baby, gone. Cycle repeats.

Here’s the thing I’ve learned throughout the years: Sometimes it’s okay to choose dicks before chicks. Sometimes it’s okay to go off the grid and just do the whole “I’M IN LOVE!” thing. The first few months of a relationship are always intoxicating. It’s like you’re on drugs and going on a love binge — it’s very “Hit Me Baby One More Time” — so it’s totally acceptable for you to ignore texts and become a selfish lovesick monster! It’s a beautiful period and as their friend, you really have to set aside any hurt feelings you might have and just let your friend drink the love Kool-Aid.

If your friend has been neglecting you for a long period of time, however, you’re totally allowed to be like, “WTF? Can we have some one-on-one time?” Hopefully it won’t come to this though. Confronting your friend about not spending enough time with you is always uncomfortable. You’re going to feel like the needy single friend who’s too demanding, even though that’s typically not the  case. You’ll also be worried that your friend will bite back by saying, “You don’t know what it’s like because you’re single.” Ouch.

I’ve been in this situation before and it’s not pretty. Even if my friend is receptive to my criticism and starts to put more effort in, you become paranoid that they’re just hanging out with you because they feel obligated and guilty. It’s the worst when you can tell your friend is just meeting with you to kill time before their BF/ GF becomes available. I’d rather my friend completely ignore my phone calls than pencil me in for an hour lunch. Don’t EVER insult our close friendship with a catch up lunch. Those are only reserved for friends from high school and people we’ve fallen out of touch with.

We have to accept that, as we get older, it will be dicks before chicks more often. And that’s okay. Someone isn’t being a bad friend just because they’re enjoying life on that love tip. Give them space but also recognize when they’ve gone from being a friend in love to being just a crappy friend. When that transition occurs, you have free range to go Gwyneth Paltrow on their Winona Ryder ass. TC mark

image – Valerie Everett

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Wary_of_scars

    Took the words right off my mouth. :) Thanks for this!

  • Jic2c

    Ugh these are the feelings I’d like to tell my friends. I happen to be friends with ppl who love to be in love while I love to be in love with myself. Even so, this is a great summary of the ditch process.

  • Daily TC Reader

    EXACTLY. 

  • Anonymous

    Yup.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    So true…but when I’m in a relationship, it’s hard not to be the disappearing friend.

    • Anonymous

      It really isn’t. I never do.

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        Good for you.

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        Good for you.

    • Anonymous

      It really isn’t. I never do.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I hate being the jealous friend. But I will TOTALLY go there when dropped for some new dick.

  • Kim

    My roommate is currently ditching me on the regular to close herself in her room to skype with her longdistance boyfriend. now i HAVE been there, but you’ve also gotta have some perspective and work on the healthy balance, my friend (otherwise she’ll end up miserable anyways). i’m trying not to be bitter/jealous and let her figure it out on her own, but sometimes its hard to mask my disapproval and annoyance…

    • guest

      The worst is when they ditch you for SKYPE. Not even for the real person, but Skype. While you’re in the next room.

  • Caitlin

    #Mylife

  • Caitlin

    #Mylife

  • http://www.facebook.com/civilianprotocol Kevin Smith

    Seriously? All of you need to get over yourselves. Unless it’s actually creating problems for the person’s life, stop being such jealous, bitchy idiots and try being a friend…the kind that doesn’t need to cling to everyone and feel needed just to keep a friendship.

    • Guest

      so you must have no friends.

      • http://www.facebook.com/civilianprotocol Kevin Smith

        I have a small number of very good friends I have been friends with for a very long time, and we don’t give up our friendship over stupid little things like this.

  • http://profiles.google.com/cowashee Colleen Farrell

    I agree, but I expected a better article…

  • http://twitter.com/kevincougar Kevin

    Filed under… things my friends in relationships should read

  • Anonymous

    This actually made me tear up because the pencil you in for one hour lunches thing is exactly what is happening with my two best friends right now. My social life has disappeared and I. Want. To. Die.

    • guest

      Same here. I (mostly) blame them for my boring social life. So annoying.

    • http://www.tinacris.ca Cristina

      ME TOO.

      It’s like I want to ask her… when did we EVER just meet each other for an hour and do something contrived like go to lunch? Especially because we used to just show up at each other’s apartments and do nothing for hours and make fun of people who didn’t form real enough close friendships that made them want to give more than just “grabbing coffee”.

      Argh. Makes me so sad :(

  • Anonymous

    This actually made me tear up because the pencil you in for one hour lunches thing is exactly what is happening with my two best friends right now. My social life has disappeared and I. Want. To. Die.

  • Guest

    You know what even worse? When you’re the friend IN the relationship, and you DON’T become the disappearing friend; simply because your new relationship isn’t going through the honeymoon phase…

  • Guest

    You know what even worse? When you’re the friend IN the relationship, and you DON’T become the disappearing friend; simply because your new relationship isn’t going through the honeymoon phase…

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  • http://twitter.com/ElleCSid Lindsay Christine

    Ugh. Totally understand this. Introduced my best friend to a new school friend…I was in their wedding party a year ago. Lost my best friend the minute I introduced him to her. And neither of them ever understood why I was resentful…finally had to cut all ties, and look like the jealous, shitty bitch. Such is life. But it really, really sucks, especially when you’re the type of person who doesn’t ditch, and has managed to create balance… 

  • Guest

    issit normal for guys to feel this way?

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/YJ3OX2LVMA2DA3S2UHJL6X4YQQ Theresa

    This is so true. My friend ditched me(not yet but soon enough) after she turned down the first guy that asked her out. My other friend has gone through many realtionships and now she’s the only one she talks to.

  • Ella

    I think it’s ok for friends to spend more time with their new love interests but if they become disrespectful of your time and just inconsiderate e.g standing you up, not following through with plans than you have a right to say something.

  • http://hackyourrelationship.com/how-to-deal-with-being-friend-dumped/ How to Deal With Being Friend Dumped - Hack Your Relationship

    […] we are in the throes of new love. Truth is they may have…forgotten you. They are not being a bad friend as such but currently they are too wrapped up in working out whether their partners eyes are […]

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