5 Things That Automatically Make Someone More Attractive

1. A guitar

We all know this to be true: An ugly person < An ugly person with a guitar. If you’re unattractive but singing/strumming/banging on drums to a captivated audience, you immediately become screwable. Why is this? Why were so many women willing to sleep with Rod Stewart and Billy Joel and pretend like they weren’t sleeping with complete eyesores? Why do we continue to be so blinded by someone who sweats, grunts, and sings to an audience of hypnotized people? Furthermore, why can’t writers have the same appeal?! Why can’t attending a reading have the same effect on someone as a concert? Actually, I guess it does in a way. Admit it. You would want to sleep with someone who’s even mildly famous because it validates us and makes us feel like a hot piece of ass. Hell, I would even sleep with Tyler from Teen Mom if he were gay! Which (sort of) brings me to my next point….

2. A child

Much like MILFS, dads have the ability to be very sexy. In New York especially, they often look like 27-year-old hipsters you would make out with at a bar. But you know what’s even sexier than just being a plain ol’ dad? Being a good dad! Watching a dude be tender and loving with his children sends 10,000 boners to me and women across America. You want to sleep with them just as a thank you for being a good man and restoring the faith in women who have dealt with deadbeat fathers. Everyone needs to find themselves a Mr. Mom. Just make sure they’re not already married….

 3. Virginity

People are fascinated by virgins—people who could have sex but choose not to for reasons x, y, and Mormon. Chances are if someone is the big V, it’s because they’re trapped in a sexless marriage with organized religion, but sometimes you’ll encounter the rare breed of virgin, which is someone who just hasn’t found the right person yet. Wow. Can you imagine that? Doesn’t it make you want to be that person right now for them? Certain people love virgins because they present a challenge, and god knows so many of us love a good chase. Usually the people who are so turned on by virginity though are actually creepy misogynistic men AKA the people you SHOULDN’T lose your virginity to. (Have you seen Kids?!) These men just want to mark their territory and have bragging rights for being the guy the virgin was willing to give it up to. I can’t relate to the virgin fetish thing {If I found out a dude was a virgin, I’d probably be like, “I’m not the man for the job. Come back to me when you’re three partners deep!” and cut all ties) but I do understand the whole feeling proud thing. When I hooked up with “straight” guys in high school, I remember feeling a sense of pride like “Wow! You’re willing to go gay for me. I feel so honored. Why me?!” I guess people who get off on taking virginities feel the same way except, hi, it’s way more creepy and dark.

4. A job

Remember when being unemployed didn’t matter and it felt good paying for your boyfriend’s dinner because he was really hot and had a good-looking penis? Yeah. Not anymore. Nowadays, nothing is sexier than success, especially when it’s occurring in a recession. As much as I hate to admit it, having money and a job are important requirements for an adult relationship. Obviously someone shouldn’t be expected to be making major money in their twenties (We’re not bringing home the bacon, we’re bringing home the tempeh/seitan) but it’s important to know that they could be in the next ten years. Ambition is sexy and if someone is passionate about something, it provides me with a giant sense of relief. At this point, if someone told me they had health insurance and a 401k, I’d have no choice but to get on top of them.

5. A committed relationship

We often want what we can’t have. When someone is in a relationship, it sends a message to strangers that says, “You can’t touch me!!!! But JK, try to touch me.” Without fail, I always get more attention from men when I’m already seeing someone.  It’s so cruel and unfair! It makes dating and attraction seem like a giant mind game. Like okay, you wanted nothing to do me when I was celibate and totally looking to have sex with someone but now that I’m taken, you’re showing interest? Where were you when my penis needed you the most? Rude boy. TC mark

image – Helge Øverås

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • fenderdoj

    seems like impossible to achieve all five of them at the same time. Balls

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      I know!  A job in this economy?

  • https://profiles.google.com/WPazzurri/about Weston (@wpazzurri)

    Number 5 reminds me of an old Jim Gaffigan quote: “Isnt it funny how when youre single all you see are couples…. and then when youre part of a couple all you see are hookers?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1176804847 João Nuno Álvares Pereira

    So, adopted child? Is the way of being a father and a virgin…

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Whoa, from one Portuguese to another, that’s one Portuguese-ass name you’ve got there.  Your name is like a Frankenstein of a bunch of foreign names.  I’m liking it. 

  • klaus

    Other Things That Make Someone Automatically More Attractive:

    1. Be attractive. 
    2. Don’t be unattractive. 

  • http://twitter.com/keithpinthecity Keith Pence

    Honorable Mention: A Dog (preferably a lab, huskie or bernese).

    • Joy

      *A big, well-behaved dog.

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Cujo was on today.  I mean, for the first 30 minutes he’s a turn on.  After that, being rescued from him is the biggest turn on ever. 

      • http://twitter.com/keithpinthecity Keith Pence


  • Dom

    about the last point, you’re always more beautiful when you’re in love/successful relationshi , that inner glow makes them want you 

    • Guest

      no, it’s that they want what they can’t have

  • F.

    Oh boy. So true, all of them. I found myself drooling over a friend of mine who’s a dad and was just so sweet to his child. And nº5 it’s killing me right now :( omg

  • padface

    Now I have Rude Boy by Rihanna stuck in my head. GOOD JOB O’CONNELL.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    A good sense of humor melts meeee, even if it means slinging insults at each other in fun.  Also, anyone who’s confident enough to be self-deprecating must be going somewhere in life, right? 

    • http://www.justabeer.blogspot.com A.

      dude you’re hilarious.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1314923689 Elena Grillo

    this is so true!!! I really can’t resist to man who have guitar,job,kids or (OMG) a commited relationship…

  • Guest101

    Agree with everything but “virginity”  :)

  • Roya

    Unless you’re a virgin because you can’t get any. Not that I would know anything about that.

  • Anonymous

    @Lovely:disqus ……Тhis is сrаzу…Мy friеnd`s sistеr mакеs 78/hr оn thе intеrnеt. Shе hаs bееn unеmрlоуеd fоr 11 mоnths but lаst mоnth hеr incоmе wаs 7985$ јust wоrкing оn thе РС fоr а fеw hоurs. Gо tо this wеb sitе …….http://alturl.com/gy4qe

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Whoa.  I get your point.  Money.  Biggest turn on of all. 

    • Kaytee

      Spam. Gtfo.

  • Dianeaortega

    What about ACCENTS?!

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Depends.  If my New England accent slips, I get looks of “Wow, you’re so uneducated.”  For those who want to feel cheap, it is indeed a turn on. 

  • pretzel

    also, a skateboard.

    tempeh shoutout!!

  • Mashka

    just being unavailable in general makes someone more attractive. gotta love (HATE) that challenge… 

  • ggg

    HUMOR. Nothing makes a guy sexier than having that. ;)

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      I hope you’re right because otherwise I’m a homely bastard. 

  • GTT85

    Let me get this straight (or gay), to nab you I need to be a virgin who fathered a baby through a test-tube who plays Air Supply’s greatest hits at my office party while my  significant other watches with doting eyes?

    OK then. I’ll see if I can make that happen, but I feel bad for this guy who is in a relationship with a virgin.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Uck.  Listening to Air Supply isn’t getting you anyone.

      • GTT85


      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Yeah, Genesis is pretty cool. 

  • indi

    virginity is a definite dealbreaker.  i need to be with someone who knows what he or she is doing in bed.  i got not time for training wheels.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Shallow, douchebag guy…yep, sadly, a huge turn on for many ladies. 

  • lou

    the prospect of breaking a hymen…now that’s what I’m talkin about #canigetaamen

  • Alice

    “You can’t touch me!!!! But JK, try to touch me.” – laughed harder than I should :))

  • SB

    As a 21 year old virgin (not for lack of opportunities), I wonder whether it actually is more attractive than freakish to guys.

    • Guest

      whatever you do, don’t tell them you are a virgin. ever.

  • Guest

    nah. you’re either attractive or you’re not. everything else is just noise to me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    Definitely going to throw up an “amen” to the virginity thing. I think you already wrote in another article about virgins Ryan (you write about us a lot, no?), and there I wanted to express my disdain for men who try to make me a “challenge” when they find out I am still holding a V-card. Then, they realize they can’t tackle this “challenge” and move on. Bummer, but I’m ready to meet a quality man who would wait and not put physical intimacy before everything else.

    Let’s be real though– I live in LA.

    • A.

      HAHAHAHA. youre hilarious. i feel you. not literally of course. i mean i relate.

  • Anonymous


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