If Seasons Were Boyfriends

The Summer Boyfriend

The Summer Boyfriend is easy breezy. You can find him on a fire escape at someone’s house party, smoking cigarettes and clutching a sangria. He is the definition of someone you don’t want when the weather gets cold but he’s perfect for the warmer temperatures. You envision him on a beach with the sand in his toes. You see him shirtless and drinking margaritas on a rooftop. The sun hits his skin in the most perfect way and it will be hard for you to not have sex with him every moment of every day. That’s The Summer Boyfriend’s job though—to give you multiple orgasms a day—and the rest is just light and fluffy like clouds. You only like him in June, July, and August. When Labor Day hits, feelings will shift and you’ll feel the need to exit the relationship ASAP. He’ll walk you to the train on the first day you need to wear a cardigan and you’ll know it’s done. The second it gets cold, so do the feelings. “I don’t want to see you in sweaters. I want to see you in a tank top. It’s been real, dude.”

The Fall Boyfriend

The Fall Boyfriend is nice. Too nice. You meet him at school or a cafe and are charmed by his sweetness. You think to yourself, “This is a person I want to drink hot chocolate with and spoon and tickle and listen to jazz or something. We’ll have meaningful conversations, maybe talk about politics, and walk in the park together.” If nothing else, it will feel stable. Ultimately though, you’ll discover that nice wears thin, nice doesn’t pay the love bills, nice doesn’t leave you wanting more, nice doesn’t create desire, nice chops your penis off. Bye bye, Fall Boyfriend. It’s starting to snow.

The Winter Boyfriend

All hail The Winter Boyfriend! Arguably the best of the seasonal boyfriends, the guy you date in winter is a borderline keeper. You’ve usually got to start searching for them in October as they’re at risk of selling out. As you know, no one likes to be single when it’s cold out so get one while you still can. Obligations for The Winter Boyfriend include but aren’t limited to: Letting you develop your own “winter coat” by eating whatever you damn please without a peep, staying in and getting drunk on whiskey together, holding your hand during a blizzard and, last but not least, buying you a nice Christmas present. Winter can be a #dark time for all of us. I pity the fool whose job it is to love me in thirty degree weather.

The Spring Boyfriend

Your Spring Boyfriend resembles the season itself: Gorgeous and quick. You’ll fall for them fast but they’ll be gone before you can say “Can you do that again?” You always want more of spring but you’re never going to get it. You’ll be permanently blue-balled. TC mark

image – aussiegall

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Anonymous

    This is quite accurate to say the least! Nice analogies lol

  • WithoutSeasons

    I had an amazing Spring fling that turned into the Summer type. He was gone by the first weekend of July. We talk everyday, but I won’t see him again until May…

  • http://twitter.com/Nadiaaa87 Nadia

    hahaha spring is on point

  • Sophia

    Regarding Fall, why wouldn’t you want a nice boyfriend? Especially extending into the winter months when it’s cold and sad and dreary? 

    • emily

      I imagine the reason to be that he’s nice, but there’s no chemistry. Like one of those guys who just doesn’t get all of your jokes, or is incapable of making his own, or maybe has a small d, you know? He’s nice, but he can’t hold 100% of your attention forever.

      • Anonymous

        or you know, he’s terribly idealistic and lives as a poor journalist/artist in cafes and ends up being the barista who serves u. Either one.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    I only want the Winter one.  

  • Zack M.

    How does Global Warming threaten to change this taxonomy? Follow-up: how climate change deniers see the next few years playing out? 

  • Sowing Season

    This is way too close to home.. god damn it.

  • Brennan Letkeman

    I am fall.

  • Anonymous

    Witty post! 

  • Anonymous
  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you’ve got to do is call…You’ve got a (boy)friend. 

  • annoyed_male

    Maybe if you bothered to get to know decent males, and if you didn’t stereotype us all into shitty groups, you could have a relationship that lasted longer than one season.


    • ryan o'connell

      lit a joke tho hunny

  • Hannah

    Summer was spring for me :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667441091 Archita Trisal

    How the hell are you so accurate? I had a spring thing earlier this year and been blue-balled since :(

  • http://twitter.com/yvonne1503 yvonne

    My Spring boys were all too quick! Spot on.

  • Mel

    Dude, already done by the Hairpin.  #alittleplagiarism


    • ryan o'connell

      i’ve never read this (swear on my xanax) but as someone who has had  The Winter Boyfriend two winters in a row, i have to say it’s hardly a novel concept. and + apparently the hairpin was riffing on a marie claire article about winter boyfriends sooo everyone KNOWS The Winter Boyfriend babe. live it, love it, blog about it

      • Mel

        Lulz you’re actually correct, pre-coffee me was a bit too feisty and misremembered the Hairpin article as boyfriends of all seasons.  sorrrries.

    • Tyrone

      err…i read both, don’t see no plagiarism homedawg.

  • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier

    this reads more as “if boyfriends were seasons” than vice versa

  • Lilym

    jesus christ, how the fuck did you just describe my fall boyfriend down to jazz and the reasons why I am uncomfortable in that relationship? spooky shit, ryan.

  • http://www.iconiclook.com iconiclook.com

    This article is great! Probably you hear that a lot but I mean it. Just found it on stumble upon. 

  • guest

    … and to think… some guys think women are shallow.

    • Ras

      This was written by a guy.

      • Sophia

        That was the point. Guys call women shallow, but look at how shallow this guys article is.

  • Robin

    People aren’t things to be used and tossed aside like a toy you’ve gotten bored with.Please write something when you have been  in a real relationship for awhile.

  • Aggie0

    I have been with my ‘Winter’ Boyfriend for a while now and now he is my fiance. ill never let him go and he loves me to bits. and i love him to bits.

  • Aggie0

    I got the Winter BF xP and now we are engaged and happy

  • RJB

    It’s almost winter now…I miss my Spring boyfriend..exactly as you described, I’m left wanting more. My wish this Christmas: Spring boyfriend becomes Winter boyfriend.

  • Sara

    Crazy how spot on you are. Boyfriend I met in Fall has me feeling that way completely, it’s been a year of this! I want one of my summer boyfriends back.

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