The Summer Boyfriend
The Summer Boyfriend is easy breezy. You can find him on a fire escape at someone’s house party, smoking cigarettes and clutching a sangria. He is the definition of someone you don’t want when the weather gets cold but he’s perfect for the warmer temperatures. You envision him on a beach with the sand in his toes. You see him shirtless and drinking margaritas on a rooftop. The sun hits his skin in the most perfect way and it will be hard for you to not have sex with him every moment of every day. That’s The Summer Boyfriend’s job though—to give you multiple orgasms a day—and the rest is just light and fluffy like clouds. You only like him in June, July, and August. When Labor Day hits, feelings will shift and you’ll feel the need to exit the relationship ASAP. He’ll walk you to the train on the first day you need to wear a cardigan and you’ll know it’s done. The second it gets cold, so do the feelings. “I don’t want to see you in sweaters. I want to see you in a tank top. It’s been real, dude.”
The Fall Boyfriend
The Fall Boyfriend is nice. Too nice. You meet him at school or a cafe and are charmed by his sweetness. You think to yourself, “This is a person I want to drink hot chocolate with and spoon and tickle and listen to jazz or something. We’ll have meaningful conversations, maybe talk about politics, and walk in the park together.” If nothing else, it will feel stable. Ultimately though, you’ll discover that nice wears thin, nice doesn’t pay the love bills, nice doesn’t leave you wanting more, nice doesn’t create desire, nice chops your penis off. Bye bye, Fall Boyfriend. It’s starting to snow.
The Winter Boyfriend
All hail The Winter Boyfriend! Arguably the best of the seasonal boyfriends, the guy you date in winter is a borderline keeper. You’ve usually got to start searching for them in October as they’re at risk of selling out. As you know, no one likes to be single when it’s cold out so get one while you still can. Obligations for The Winter Boyfriend include but aren’t limited to: Letting you develop your own “winter coat” by eating whatever you damn please without a peep, staying in and getting drunk on whiskey together, holding your hand during a blizzard and, last but not least, buying you a nice Christmas present. Winter can be a #dark time for all of us. I pity the fool whose job it is to love me in thirty degree weather.
The Spring Boyfriend
Your Spring Boyfriend resembles the season itself: Gorgeous and quick. You’ll fall for them fast but they’ll be gone before you can say “Can you do that again?” You always want more of spring but you’re never going to get it. You’ll be permanently blue-balled.