Thought Catalog

You Need To Know That You Broke My Heart

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I don’t think you understand how much you destroyed me. In bed, when I would see your body start to stiffen at my touch, I would pretend not to notice while laying there and wanting to disappear. And when you would start to call me less and less, I would still fall asleep with the phone by my bed in case you decided that you loved me again and wanted to talk. I don’t think you understand how pathetic you made me feel.

You weren’t supposed to know the extent of how badly you hurt me. It was a secret I hid quite well. Even when you broke up with me, I tried to display some semblance of control so I could show you that you did not win. What a lie. You won. You won for months. Every day, you would win and own my feelings. You had no clue.

It’s all a game we play. You’re not supposed to know how much power you had over me. You’re not supposed to how much I thought about you, how often I thought about what were you doing, how often you reduced me to tears. If you did know, it would make me tragic AND dumped, which was too much for my pride to bear.

I wanted to tell you so many times. I wanted to tell you how insane you made me feel, how much you had taken over my life but I just couldn’t. I had to be the only one who knew. I couldn’t bring myself to give you insight into my crazy thought processes because I still wanted you to think of me as cute, nice, and normal—the boy you initially fell in love with. If you understood the depths of my devastation, your perception of me might’ve changed for the worse.

Well, screw that. You need to know just how badly you broke my heart. I don’t feel like sparing your feelings anymore and preserving this false image of myself. You’re never coming back so why don’t I just let it all hang out? YOUR REJECTION MADE ME TEMPORARILY GO INSANE. There. I said it. You did that to me. Not attractive, right? I don’t care. If i had told you this sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time mourning our relationship. Maybe if I had told you how hurt I was, I would finally start feeling okay again. Maybe.

I’m so tired of not being honest about my feelings. It just made everything so much worse. So here you go, here’s my confession. You made someone go insane with grief and that someone was me. You broke my heart. SURPRISE! TC mark

Image – binu kumar

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    • http://www.pinkofcondition.com/ Lee @ in the pink of condition

      I feel like I wrote this.  Amazing post.

    • http://twitter.com/rysimmons Ryan Simmons

      Holy shit, are you me?

    • Ryan

      Thought catalog has been scarily imitating my life lately…. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/seizureslater Cheyenne Seizure

      i feel like i wrote this too, i want to be your friend~

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      this article makes me really sad and it’s really good because it starts off all rational, mirroring how we feel post-break up (trying to pretend we don’t care) and then gets more and more emotional and chaotic and then you’re insane and everything is terrible (in real life, i mean the article is still good) and yeah. i like.

    • Sally

      Oh Lord, what’s with all the ridiculously relevant posts? :(
      want to cry again:(

    • Kieran

      Most of us have been there…I think you put into words the way that none of us can, though. Great job.

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      also, send this to him.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

      Mutual love is heaven. One-sided, unreciprocated
      love is hell.
       

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I don’t think this was unrequited – at least, not at the beginning.

    • hm

      so this is what my heart will feel like in the next few months? its only been 4 days. fuck

    • http://twitter.com/alinatrifan Alina Trifan

      I bet you feel good right now! I am now that I yelled that last “SURPRISE!”, surprise you motherfucker!

    • Anonymous

      I lived this for 5 months a while ago. :((

    • ASRAD123

      I had relive these emotions recently when I found out he’s now in a serious relationship. Love sucks.

    • ANON

      this is amazing. this sums up everything that i have been feeling.

    • Lesbian

      I like this. I hope the person who broke my heart sees this.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CXCS7TXFL5TS2LGXRPMARVGOHY Viktor

      The bit about falling asleep with your phone by your side definitely rings true for a hopeless romantic like myself

      • GUEST

        I even miss the possibility of waking up to a drunk text.

    • guest

      Story of my fucking life.

    • Maranda

      This was so beautiful and raw. It rings true to us all.

    • Sophia

      This is so relevant I could have written it.
      Raw, and beautiful, and heartbreaking in and of itself.

    • Guest

      I’ve been in this place for the past few months, but I’m glad I cried and left my emotions raw from the get-go.

    • http://www.facebook.com/ana.mocagrama Ana Moca-Grama

      this made me weep a little inside, in the memory of what has been and ended up like this.

    • http://talkwithstrangers.blogspot.com/ Christina

      I could have written this, too. Very relevant post. But really now, I believe at times like this it’s better to seem song on the outside.  Cry all you want but don’t let him know he’s ruined you. So no, don’t send him this letter if people are telling you to.

    • Marié

      This is beautiful, and true for most of us. I think we should stop trying to show a strong side, let it all loose from the moment a relationship ends. Tell them exactly how they made you feel. It makes healing so much quicker and easier. I’m constantly telling my ex off in the mirror, play pretend. Still haven’t got the guts to do it as well as this writer has.

    • http://twitter.com/kwokxheng Ryan Ho

      Kinda makes you not want to ever fall in love again no?

    • http://twitter.com/tashny Tashny Sukumaran

      absolute perfection. thank you so much for this.

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