Pocahontas: Perhaps the first film that opened your eyes and taught you to hate oppression and ignorance in all its forms, Pocahontas launched you into a lifelong career of being into nature, teaching doe-eyed white men what it means to respect others, and absolutely hating when hipsters wear Native American stuff. Pocahontas taught you all that being strong, proud, and true to yourself means — all while showing a more-than-decent amount of thigh and rebelling against your totally obtuse father. Pocahontas just got it.
Cinderella: It would be a safe bet that you probably have a thing for shoes and — if you took any serious life lessons away from the film — you truly believe that all ugly people are inherently evil. You are also totally down to date a guy who is in no way right for you, but who chance brought you to in too romantic a way to get over. But hey, after so many years of underpaid manual labor (in your case, working at Starbucks, most likely) you’re totally ready for someone who’ll offer you a bit of romance and escapism.
Fantasia: Let’s be honest — you get completely, incomprehensibly stoned and watch the hell out of some Fantasia.
Alice In Wonderland: This crazy, kooky, totally un-mainstream, slightly dark Disney film would kick-start your lifelong love affair with all things Hot Topic, My Chemical Romance, and dressing like Alice herself. The Mad Hatter came to represent so many things that your parents just didn’t understand, the Cheshire Cat had the smile that stayed with you long after the rest of him faded away, and that rabbit was just so avant-garde with his pocket watch. You probably even enjoyed that incredibly lackluster reboot with Johnny Depp.
Sleeping Beauty: I don’t know, I think we can all agree that Aurora (Had to Google that, does anyone really remember that girl’s name?) is by far the lamest Disney Princess. I don’t know what you like if you like her — sleeping in late, being really pretty, and nailing the most boring Prince? I guess? In any case, you’re not doing a whole lot until some guy comes along and validates the hell out of you. I assume you’re the kind of person who puts romantic song lyrics in your statuses and likes pictures of children in wedding outfits kissing. Just a hunch.
Song of the South: LOL, you’re so, so racist.
Peter Pan: You love imagination, hopes, dreams, and charming British children. Also, you may, in retrospect, be offended by the bright red Native Americans. However, no amount of racial stereotyping could ever erase the magic you felt when those little kids went flying around the room in circles. You might have taken the whole “never growing up” thing to heart, and may have a hard time paying rent on time these days. But it’s okay — you have magic in your soul.
Toy Story 3: You love crying. You love crying so, so much. You love crying when Andy plays with his toys with that little girl, or when Woody watches him walk away and looks okay about it. You love crying when they accidentally get thrown away. You love crying when the toys are headed for the incinerator and they finally realize that they’re not going to be able to cleverly hop out of this problem and they all look resigned and brave and hold each others’ hands as they accept their fate, and Mr. Potato Head holds his wife to his chest so she doesn’t… WHAT THE HELL PIXAR.
Ratatouille: I bet — in fact I would bet a lot of money — that you’re the douchebag who posts pictures of every other meal he makes on Facebook with captions like “Oh you know, just a pan-seared filet mignon in a port reduction over a bed of sauteed chanterelle mushrooms and a puree of leeks with a Yukon Gold potato crisp garnish, to be served with that bottle of Bordeaux I’m finally cracking open tonight! Happy Wednesday night everyone!” Either that, or you like Paris.
Holes: You like remembering that, at one point, Shia LaBeaouf was bearable.
Atlantis: You are way, way, way into Steampunk and you were into it way, way, way before it was cool. When you’re not busy looking up corsets made out of leather and copper wiring on Etsy, you’re elaborately pretending that your significant other is Victorian-era nobility before you get down to some serious, nerdy bodice-ripping.
Mulan: You have endless appreciation for Mulan’s way-ahead-of-her-time gender presentation and career path as a woman, and you are totally down with all of the difficult but totally cool choices she makes. You also kind of wanted Shang to get with her even when he still thought she was a guy, let’s be honest.
Hercules: First of all, you have immaculate taste, as Hercules is clearly the funniest Disney movie ever. Non-negotiable. Also, you are so not like those other Princesses who sit around waiting for their hunky, dopey, Don Draper-in-a-cape heroes to come and save them. No. You’re Meg, the Adele of Disney Princesses, the one who has loved and lost and is finally ready to love again. You can show a guy the ropes as a fabulous Greek chorus narrates your struggles, and you can totally part-time as James Wood’s personal assistant.
The Lion King: You are a twenty-something guy. There is a law, somewhere, that states that all 20-something guys must have an extremely tender spot for The Lion King — so tender, in fact, that with enough liquor in their system, you can occasionally get them to burst into a round of “Hakuna Matata.” Can occasionally be substituted in a man’s childhood memories by Aladdin.
Aladdin: The first time you saw Kim Kardashian, you were like “Jasmine came to life!! :D” and then you were like “Oh no, she’s super gross and has sex with Brandy’s brother. :(”
Who Framed Roger Rabbit: Jessica Rabbit was an important — nay, an essential — part of your pubescence.
The Little Mermaid: You would do pretty much anything for this guy you barely know. You’d cut off the lower half of your body and replace it with a new one, you’d tear out your vocal chords, you’d live on land when you ostensibly still have gills. (Did Ursula ever address that?) Your father is a dick, basically, and you are going to do any and everything to make him pay for how oppressive he’s been. If that means marrying the guy he can’t stand (in your case, probably a guy with a neck tattoo who refers to your father as “Man”) then so be it. You’re young, ginger, and in control. You can do what you want.
Part II coming soon.