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How To Quit In Hollywood

He looked like a stylishly gay and possibly homeless Santa Claus. He told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, and that the wine glass he waved around while he talked was full of Pepsi.

I Want To Hear About Your Sex Life

I asked my girl friends to recall some of their sexual escapades and rate them on the gold standard of all scales, 1-10, because, if you can’t be nosy about your friends’ sex lives and share their stories with the world, well then, you can’t be me.

The Reasons You Broke Up With Me

You introduced me to every person in your life without hesitation. They would casually lean in and tell me they’d never seen you so happy before. They thanked me for coming into your life. I beamed and felt honored to be your girlfriend.

Why Having Freckles Is Hard

Kids ask me all the time what’s wrong with my face. Children lack social awareness, which makes them simultaneously horrible and awesome. Just when I want to turn around in my airplane seat and rip a kid’s feet off for kicking the back of my chair, he asks his mom in a loud voice why that old man is smelly.

Dear Universe: Help

I never imagined while playing house as a child that I’d find myself divorced after ten years of a marriage in which my role was one of the primary earner. That my wedded bliss would in reality be a liability that left me emotionally and financially drained.

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