8. A Shirley Temple drinking fountain.

Have you ever cheated and regretted it all the more so because afterward you just kept on running into him — at the coffee shop, in class, at parties?

Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this…

Picking up crumbs off of yourself and eating them without giving it a second thought.

Being unemployed can be difficult, but admitting to it by labeling yourself as such is nearly as hard.

You’ll wake up one day to find the connections that kept you attached to someone are so deeply severed they can never be completely repaired.

When Streep tried out for ‘King Kong,’ Dino DeLaurentis told his son, in Italian, that Streep was too ugly for the part. Meryl shocked the sh*t out of him when…

Yet I fall in love with you, unpredictably.

“Two years, you’re still getting sorries? I don’t think so, that’s a long time for sorries. That’s like saying Happy New Year in October. ”

Because when we are saying goodbye to someone, we’re not just talking to them, we’re talking to the person that we are at this very moment.

Poker face. Seven months in, it’s still a game. Now more than ever.

I set my molesters house on fire.

1. Wear something spectacular that nobody else can see.

Men out there love a lot of different things about women.

After his dad and brother got out of the hospital, I went by the give my condolences and spent most of the time sitting in my friend’s room talking to…

There are few things more American than chowing down at a chain restaurant–serving up life as it truly is, with a side of affordable prices to boot.

Exercise restraint

More makeup does not mean more beautiful. More makeup means you look like you put more makeup on.

“You don’t need no gun control. We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5000. ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders.”

But, when it comes to the Internet, you’re barely passing. D minus maybe.

I knew I was in love when I pulled his body from a car wreck.

This country has a fundamental misunderstanding of what the first amendment actually says.

“Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.”

Make plans with a friend or for yourself, look up a new recipe for dinner or plan to make an old favorite, or even just promise yourself a big glass…

“Running is my private time, my therapy, my religion.”

Nothing keeps you as anxious as feeling like you need to constantly spend money.

The better-looking the female is, the greater your unfounded hatred should be.

Ohio might be like a drunk uncle, but it’s your drunk uncle.

7. Befriend the kid in the slayer shirt who sits at the back of your english class.

30. Snoop Dogg went to school with Cameron Diaz and sold her marijuana at the time.

Just use the number they assigned you and fill this out – be truthful, it won’t hurt, I promise.

“Clear Eyes, Full Hearts…ehh we’ll deal with that later.”

An ex-lover is like a comfortable pair of jeans: soft and familiar, a reliable standby when you want to feel like your old self again.

I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!

It’s just Liam Hemsworth, Taylor Swift, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, The Mannings, Macklemore, Justin Bieber and all their childhood “friends.”

No one is turned on by your Craigslist Casual Encounters-style glamour shots. Just be yourself.

I’m a road trip fiend and I think I finally cracked the code.

Because there’s a difference between somebody eating an untoasted Pop-Tart and someone else eating a eggs, bacon, toast and such.

Not being able to walk in a pair of heels immediately takes away any element of sexiness they once possessed.

I traded a shoe for a bowling pin and the secret knowledge of how to get into the goblin kingdom.

I don’t know why the idea came to me, but it hit me as soon as she left the room and I knew I had to act immediately and that…

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’ll have a fourth and fifth because I’m an emotional masochist.

Discouraging messages from people we can only hope aren’t real, living, non-troll human beings.

This is not Your Life. It’s just life. Not really yours. Stop thinking you can control things and make everything just so and accept that this will end, the leaves…

You’ll say to yourself, “We just fight a lot, we’re both hard-headed, we both want our way a little too much.”

6. Telling Other People About Your Hangover.

The 2–Minute Rule isn’t about the results you achieve, but rather about the process of actually doing the work. The focus is on taking action and letting things flow from…

If I’m in a bad mood, I would just be passive aggressive and give him the silent treatment by going into a corner and ignoring him.

Hate on lists that generalize/stereotype having one’s period.

In this day and age where everyone’s scrambling to compare girls in their twenties to Lena Dunham and writing insipid essays about “millennials,” you might need a little foundation to…