Thought Catalog

The Inner Monologue Of A First Date: Guys Vs. Girls

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Getting ready at home…

Girl: hmmmm, lipstick or no lipstick? Fuck I’m nervous. Shower! Definitely shower; it’s been over a week. No need to shave because I’m a respectable woman with a Nespresso machine and loose tea leaves and I don’t sleep with a man on the first date!
Guy: What time is it? What year is it? Did my cat piss in my mouth? Oh that’s right…I don’t have a cat. Must be morning breath. Except it’s 6pm. Don’t I have somewhere to be?

Girl: Ok. So we were set up through a mutual friend. He called me to confirm the day and time; didn’t text — that’s four points right there. But then I friended him on Facebook, and he has yet to accept…minus three. He set the time for 7pm — an early, sober hour! — plus three. But he hasn’t called to confirm…and he’s got a cleft chin. So, if I add all of these up, divide by my insecurities and carry the seven…that equals twenty minutes late. I’ll be twenty minutes late.
Guy: No seriously; what did I have to do today? Maybe taking a hit of this joint will refresh my memory. Aaaaahhhhh…wait for it, wait for it…nope! Still nothing. I guess I’ll jerk off.

At the restaurant…

Girl (7:20pm): h-h-hi-hi, I’m here for a date? He should be here by now I’ll go check. Oh…no one has come yet? For a party of two? Fucker…
Guy (7:25pm): Sorry I’m late! Full disclosure: it’s a miracle I’m even here; I was SO close to forgetting all about this.
Girl: Ah, the coy type, hmmm? Playing the nonchalant card, he must be into it. Yes, I’ll have the Pilsener please.
Guy: I’ll — I’ll have the same too.
Girl (smiling): Jesus we’re meant to be. I never thought I’d get married this young, but love trumps all, that is what they say isn’t it?
Guy (smiling): Cheeseburgers and bacon, bacon and cheeseburgers…I wonder what color her nipples are? Cheeseburger, bacon…

Waiter asks what they’d like for dinner…

Guy: Cheeseburger.
Girl: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck — spinach? No! What are you saying??? Guacamole? God no, God no…Damnit, I should’ve looked over the menu before he got here, I KNEW this would happen, I simply don’t do well under pressure…Yes I’ll have the squid ink pasta please.

Three drinks later…

Girl (smiling again): Y’know, after some thought, maybe he doesn’t need lasik eye surgery? Maybe the glasses will be good for us — y’know, repel the MILFs in the PTA meetings or something. He still needs to dye his hair though; yep — a dye and a perm, that should do it.
Dude (smiling again): Cheeseburgers and pussy, pussy and cheeseburgers. Pork belly…during sex? Boobies. And more boobies.

The cab ride home…

Girl: I wasn’t planning on taking you home tonight, y’know…I don’t normally sleep with a guy on our first date (yes I do), but we just seem to really have a connection, don’t you think?
Guy: Is someone speaking? I hear words but I literally can’t make out their meaning. I’m definitely still high.

At her place…

Girl: I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick! Ok, girl. You got this. Just add some more eyebrow gel, face highlighter, and perfume and you’re good.
Dude: Where am I?

She reemerges from the bathroom and finds dude asleep…

Girl: Awww honey, you’re tired? Shh, baby, it’s ok…Shh, shh, we’ll have plenty more opportunities to sleep together. Yes, that’s right, just fall asleep, it’s okay, I’m right here with you…

She walks into the next room, shuts the door behind her, and grabs her phone…

Girl: Mom? Yes, hi…Mom, I’ve found him. I met the one!

Then a fart, echoing from the other room, slides its way under the door and meets her nose. She inhales deeply, and passes out. TC mark
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