1. Guys don’t get bikini waxes before beach trips.
I used to think this was the only difference between men and women; that if men felt the same pressure as we do to get their pubes waxed off before a beach vacation then gender equality could actually be a plausible future for us all. Because honestly, nothing about this is fair. Why must we be the ones to spend $80 on a bikini wax when it’s really you who we’re doing it for; if we had our way we’d be going balls out, with hair reaching down to our knees. If guys could get just one ball waxed I think the world would be a much better place.
2. Guys can pee in bottles, standing up — pretty much anywhere; girls can’t.
We’re each born into this world as a tabula rasa, and so it was only natural for me to grab the nearest empty water bottle when my 4th grade teacher wouldn’t let me off the school bus to pee during a school trip. I saw guys do it; how was I supposed to know girls couldn’t do it? And yet it was with immense disappointment that I witnessed my stream of urine miss the bottle entirely and find its home on the floor of the school bus — and despite meticulously lining up the bottle with my labia!
As women, our options for peeing are narrow, limited; we can hardly even squat without getting some on our legs or feet (true story); whereas men can shoot piss from their penises anywhere and anyway they damn well please. For once I’d like to just step on a man’s head for more height as I pee standing up. I have a feeling I’ll still prefer the sitting-down method, but it’s just the option to stand that I’m asking for.
3. Guys genuinely love sexting and sending dick pics; girls, in general, don’t.
I can confidently say that there’s nary a woman out there who gets any sexual pleasure from a dick pic. To women, dick pics are funny, weird, kind of gross, and hilarious. We could spend all day laughing at a dick pic with our gal pals just because it looks preposterous to see a man handle his penis so seductively. Sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m looking at — a fetus? a log? is that a neck? I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.
4. If a girl has a crush, she’s already imagined their wedding and how good-looking their kids would be.
It could be a one-night stand, a guy we’ve never even met but are being set up with — hell, it could be some hot stranger who just biked past us. It doesn’t matter who it is or how well we know him, if we (women) are even remotely attracted to him then we’ve already pictured our hypothetical wedding and children. We don’t LIKE to do this; if we had a choice, we wouldn’t do this, but it’s in our genetic nature — sadly, it’s just how it is. Oh, and we’ve also imagined his facial reaction as he sees his new baby’s head crown our vaginas. And, since this all exists in our heads, we tend to like what we see.
I have a feeling guys don’t do this.
Guys get their hair cut once a month, or at least think that’s necessary. Girls get their hair cut once a year, if that. And yet, for reasons unknown, the amount men end up spending on haircuts never comes close to the amount we spend on Aldona, our bikini waxer (one time I had 16 urgent questions for her, which you can read here).
6. Guys can start pick-up basketball games; girls typically can’t.
There is something inherently bro-y about a man that allows him to saunter on over to a public basketball court, shout “3 on 3!” and have other men flock to him. They have this intrinsic #MaleSolidarity temperament and hardly ever get jealous of other guys. Women certainly have their perks over men, but this is not one of them. We are born jealous, spiteful, and as poor decision-makers. And thus we will never be able to play a game of pick-up basketball (not that we want to).
7. Hot guys know they’re hot; hot girls don’t always know they’re hot.
Girls are very critical of themselves and, oddly enough, the most insecure ones I’ve encountered were also the most BANGIN’. As opposed to hot guys, hot girls seem to feel more objectified, victimized, and pressured to maintain their hotness. Hot guys don’t feel those pangs; they’re self-aware and make sure we know this.
8. The ol’ player vs. slut debate.
An oldie but a goodie: girls who have a lot of sex are disparaged as being “sluts.” Whereas guys who have a lot of sex are applauded for being “players.”
9. STD testing.
Sometimes I think that God was trying to level the playing field between men and women when he designated the penis hole as the spot where guys get tested for (most) STDs. But then I remember that our method involves a cold metal clamp near our cervix and I quickly rescind that thought.
10. Girls wear makeup; guys usually don’t.
Remember the opening scene in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig snuck into the bathroom before her dude woke up to paint her face on so that she’d look like she just wakes up like dis? Yeah, that’s what I like to call an ADVANTAGE. I love pulling a fast one on guys with some face highlighter and eyebrow gel. They’re all “you look extra sexy tonight and I have no idea why,” and the best part is he’ll never know.