Celebrating Energy Drinks: Rating The Best To The Worst

Energy drinks are awesome. Some of us are addicted to them. I mean, society wouldn’t function without energy drinks, right? Can you imagine a world without Red Bull? What about coffee? Nope. No way. I’ve ranked energy drinks from worst to best.
In 2000, the energy drink market was around $350 million. After a decade, it ballooned to $12.5 billion. If you haven’t had a drink yet, take the time to do so. You need to feel your heart pumping blood to know you’re alive!
Let’s do this.

1. 5 Hour Energy

It tastes like crushed up Flintstones Chewables and my grandma’s saliva. No more sloppy kisses, okay?!?

image - Flickr / Austin Kirk
image – Flickr / Austin Kirk

Rating: 2/10

2. Rockstar

The labels looked trashy and the people I’ve seen pounding cans of Rockstar looked like kids that went to Warped Tour. No thanks.

image - Flickr / israel avila
image – Flickr / israel avila

Rating: 2/10

3. NOS

Grape flavored all the way, although, I only bought them for the bottles. Can’t say they’re memorable, though.

image - Flickr / Deborah Austin
image – Flickr / Deborah Austin

Rating: 4/10

4. Monster

This sweet, bee-attracting energy drink, coupled with Concerta literally made me shake throughout my Biology lab freshman year of college. Why did I do this to myself? Why? It just so happened that this particular lab was at 7:30 am and due to my irregular sleeping schedule, I almost always woke up at 7:30, bleary-eyed and in a daze. Then over spring break, my roommate won a crate of Monsters down at Daytona Beach and brought them all back up to our house. Our fridge was stocked with Monster and I don’t think he’s been okay since.

image - Flickr / Mike Mozart
image – Flickr / Mike Mozart

Rating: 5/10

5. Bacchus-F

Not a lot of Americans know of this, because I’ve only seen it in Korea / Korean supermarkets. These things taste like Red Bull, except they come in small bottles. I remember going through an entire box of these with my brother when we were 5 or 6 and literally bouncing off the walls. Don’t ever throw the bottles at people. Don’t. People don’t react well to hard objects thrown at them.

Amazon / Bacchus-F
Amazon / Bacchus-F

Rating: 7/10

6. Tab Energy

It’s not TaB cola, I was fooled, too. It tasted like nerds, and so, my youthful taste buds embraced it and it never let go, until, I discovered Pepsi Max, which I absolutely loved.

image - Dystopos
image – Dystopos

Rating: 4/10

7. Pepsi Max

I remember buying mountain loads of Pepsi Max and stocking my fridge with them during college. It was so refreshing and you could feel the caffeine buzz through you during those warm summer nights. What a blast.

Amazon / Pepsi Max
Amazon / Pepsi Max

Rating: 8/10

8. Amp

So far, I’ve probably had 3 Amps in my life. They taste like Mountain Dew, and Mountain Dew is okay by me.

Amazon / Amp
Amazon / Amp

Rating: 7/10

9. Starbucks Doubleshot

It’s 6.5 fl oz with 140 calories. Is that dense? I think so. It does taste really good though. But the milk. Canned milk in canned espresso. Enjoy?

image - Flickr / Christian Newton
image – Flickr / Christian Newton

Rating: 6/10

10. MIO Energy

They’ve always kind of creeped me out, since the commercials showed animals at a bar squirting MIO into their drinks. Who does this at a bar? That is not socially acceptable. Who drinks MIO at a bar? What the fuck?

image - Amazon / MIO
image – Amazon / MIO

Rating: I don’t understand the appeal/10

11. Red Bull

Cream of the crop, the standard of energy drinks. You can’t go wrong with Red Bull. No sir. Especially if it’s Red Bull Total Zero. Those things are as crisp as a perfect fall day.

image - Flickr / Gerardo Lazzari
image – Flickr / Gerardo Lazzari

Rating: Solid/10

12. Illy Issimo Ready-To-Drink Coffee

Don’t even compare it to Starbucks Double Shot. Illy blows it out of the water. With just 45 calories, this sucker will have your mind on warp, ready to take on the day.

Amazon / Illy Issimo
Amazon / Illy Issimo

Rating: 8/10

13. Runa

I’m speaking from experience here.

I went through 5 or 6 bottles of Runa one afternoon. I did not get the shakes like I would if I had done this with a Red Bull. Runa uses guayusa and I’ve found it to have none of the effects of an energy drink. On the plus, they have bottle versions, sugar-free versions, and canned, carbonated versions. They all taste so freaking good. I love you Runa. I love you so freaking much. Please let me subscribe to a crate load delivery system to my apartment, please.

Amazon / Runa Energy
Amazon / Runa Energy

Rating: 12/10

14. Coffee

You can’t ever go wrong with coffee. It’s perfect. A full-bodied blend is the perfect way to start your day, and there’s nothing quite like waking up to a freshly brewed pot.

image - Flickr / Robert S. Donovan
image – Flickr / Robert S. Donovan

Rating: Coffee/Coffee Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Follow Michael at @UghHugs.

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