It was never something I obsessed over, or even let myself think about more than once. But my boyfriend’s dad’s best friend was different.

I knew I loved him pretty young. We would always be the two kids at the event who would go off and play by themselves, and when we hit our…

Some smart ass comebacks.

You are now going to live in perpetual fear of running into them in real life, and in the uncertainty of whether they saw your request or not.

Warning: Reading this will seriously make you not want to go outside ever again.

Bald people are superheroes.

With my profound love of Jewish men, I’m just holding my breath for the day that I can sucker in the Mark Zuckerberg to my Priscilla Chan.

39. “Leaving Las Vegas”: When it came out in Japan, the movie was called “I’m Drunk and You’re a Prostitute.”

10. He doesn’t like your friends close to as much as he says he does. Which is probably a good thing.

The most insecure dudes I know can’t stop telling everyone about how many girls they’re hooking up with, planning on hooking up with, totally wanted by, etc.

My friend used to put “petroleum transfer specialist at British Petroleum” on his resume. In reality, he pumped gas at an BP gas station.

8. End call first after 15 minutes ALWAYS. (even though it sucks. He will call you more.)

Different scenarios, different sentiments.

“How old do you have to be until you grow your condom?”

Because it really is the flower headband that draws you in first, don’t you think? That, or the twinkle in their gold Tory Burch pendant.

And then the hot straight guy said the thing that makes eager gay guys all over the world sad and cringe…

“You deserve to be happy.”

Seth MacFarlane doesn’t hate racism. Rest assured, America: Seth MacFarlane hates you.

I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.

Mojo no mas…

16. I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/

If any of the above describes you–and if you just so happened to have just purchased a bunch of cute, autumn-minded outfits–you may be suffering from CFD. #DontFallForFall.

1. Stop believing your BS.

I was childhood friends with a murderer.

“Without love, all the beautiful things in us will slowly die.”

I knew my performance was lagging. I wasn’t meeting my monthly numbers (I work in a sales kind of position) and I knew my employment was a ticking time bomb.

Books are an investment. I understand they cost money upfront…but that’s how an investment works.

This torch-passing style collaboration will see Ghostpoet write the words before passing them onto Koreless who will compose the music and with the resulting piece of work audio-visual artist Alex…

“Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.”

9. You will develop feelings for someone you shouldn’t — at least once.

So you are about to move in with some new roommates. The three of you are best friends and you have been hanging out all the time! However, you’ve never…

It has nothing to do with male/female relations. Nor does it have anything to do with unwanted sexual advances.

I worked at Blockbuster video a few years ago, and I got to tell Al Gore that he owed us 1.50 because he returned “I Love You Man” late.

I’m just a man in love with a fast food establishment.

Respecting people is far more important than being seen as “strong.”

Are Americans prudes? Some people think so. After all, the country that gave the world Elvis’s hips, free love, and Porn Valley is also a land founded by Puritans, given…

I’m not even kidding when I say that many of you are basically eating donuts all day.

I was going to do what so few in life ever do, I was going to accomplish my dream and work for a place that people would actually be jealous…

7. You flirt with ordering something new, but you always know what you’re going to get. You know what you like and you don’t apologize.

Living in Crown Heights would be akin to re-entering the closet, five years after having emerged from it. “Could you do that?” my mother asked me.

It’s important to have that internship position where you are getting the coffee for the person who gets the coffee.

I watched myself dissolve, becoming permanently incorporated into something else, forgetting what I was, with these brand new cells.

8. A Shirley Temple drinking fountain.

Have you ever cheated and regretted it all the more so because afterward you just kept on running into him — at the coffee shop, in class, at parties?

Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this…

Picking up crumbs off of yourself and eating them without giving it a second thought.

Being unemployed can be difficult, but admitting to it by labeling yourself as such is nearly as hard.

You’ll wake up one day to find the connections that kept you attached to someone are so deeply severed they can never be completely repaired.

When Streep tried out for ‘King Kong,’ Dino DeLaurentis told his son, in Italian, that Streep was too ugly for the part. Meryl shocked the sh*t out of him when…

Yet I fall in love with you, unpredictably.