Keeping your fingernails neat and trimmed is a sign of sexual intelligence. No girl wants you venturing around her nether regions with jagged talons.

2. Let Him Know That You Two Are Just As Close As Siblings!

5. Hone in on something his family thinks is funny, and milk it for all it’s worth.

Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most…

Then, it begins. She goes in her room and slips into something more comfortable. She’s probably already forgotten her boyfriend’s name because she’s too consumed by the thrill and anticipation…

In the quest to invent strategies for becoming blindingly blitzed, no group excels quite like the young.

Co-Le Sales Company asks: “Do you still beat your wife?” Their answer: “Maybe you never should have stopped.”

If you take a phone call when you come up to the cash register — or god forbid, actually hold up the ‘one-minute’ finger to the cashier so you can…

I see what you did there, anonymous Craigslist user.

7. Drinking caffeine will stunt your growth.

I’ve never really understood the idea of straight girls going shopping with their gay best friend. I get that straight men generally aren’t keen to go shopping and gay men…

Time after time I was plagued by guilt, frustration and anger that finally led me to define myself in a negative light.

In fact, we are granted a lot of fucking privileges for being white women — arguably, we even hold them where a white MAN would not.

A new unnamed hero just emerged, realizing all of our job-quitting dreams in this epic video.

Bonus: When You’re On The Internet Instead Of Working And Your Boss Notices

These are the kinds of women you fall in love with, they tell us. The ones who are complete and whole on their own, who do not need your individual…

11. You’re trying as hard as you possibly can not to be the “can you believe it’s already October?” guy, but…can you believe that it’s already October?

There’s a lot happening in the world at any given time. A LOT.

Might have to go with a 2G when I get my next upgrade!

Months past, letters were sent, presents traversed oceans to get to her, and then eventually the Facebook messaging slowed, boyfriends and girlfriends came and went, and I was content, maybe…

More often than concert tickets or videogames, you enthusiastically purchase boring, cliché adult stuff like a toaster or a shower rod or Tums or light bulbs.

8. Murder.

I should have stopped when I saw the pain in her eyes.

Happiness is that thing that everybody seeks to find in their lifetime these days; it has become the Utopia of emotions.

And it’s thrilling. It’s the kind of thing that makes you leap out of bed for work every morning, eager for the moment when you’ll be able to steal an…

I will not be disclosing my name or where I wrote it, for obvious reasons… so please don’t ask.

“Look, if you’re too cheap to tip, don’t tip. Just know there’s a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!”

You get really stressed out about what you’re going to wear around them.

“Alright then, I’ll go to hell.” – Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

As of this month, I have officially been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. I have spent, over the past 2 years, the past 730 days, about 1/8th of…

And if I want to try being a waitress for the sheer fact that I think the work that gets you knee-deep in the human experience is more important than…

I watch a lot of tortoise sex youtube clips. I think their grunting is hilarious. I also have illustrated it in series of watercolor paintings…

5. It’s SO much work, ugh.

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hence why seasonal drinks, specifically pumpkin spice and peppermint mocha, are so highly praised when they make their annual appearance.

Don’t even think about taking the girl you love to Paris or Rome or London or somewhere beautiful and far away.

The result lives on the internet forever. It’s truly super sweet.

We know you learned that shit in a book, because it is not the kind of behavior a human being would ever naturally engage in without explicit instruction.

Here is an alphabetical list of the best cameos and guest stars on Friends (hint: there’s a lot!), with some you probably completely missed the first time around.

To him you are a habit, comforting, steadfast, and safe. I am a risk, a novelty, a curious little thing, an escape.

If you never fully let go, it’s almost like it’s never really over. Right?

First class, schmerst class.

Three episodes in one day is nothing. Four is impressive. Five is rare. You’ve done… seven.

You see, here in Kentucky, there’s not much to do except cook meth and make babies.

My favorite teacher ever—English, freshman year of high school—walked up to my desk, picked up my white-out, took a super deep sniff, shuddered, said “that’s the stuff,” and walked away.

We all know Hollywood likes to brainwash us with subtle symbolism and hidden satanic references, but there are some films that have pushed the envelope a little too far.

Once upon a time you were a lowly underclassman, nervously walking up the front stairs of various sorority houses into a crowd of women who were most likely a) all…

Considering the many attacks on women travelers in India in the past year it’s understandable that people are concerned.

The this is weird, I wasn’t expecting to get turned on by this, wow I’m so turned on by this… is this weird? Oh okay well here we go never…

It’s a way to prove our masculinity and it’s just as biological as the sexual drive that led us to that woman in the first place. Essentially, it’s a way…

6. Strong emotional investment in team sports.