Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 12, 2014
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) September 5, 2012
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 8, 2014
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 15, 2011
I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 25, 2013
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) June 28, 2013
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011
ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) May 14, 2014
You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?
— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012
Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 25, 2012
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say "to the" between each letter in their word.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012
The first month of dating is just the guy saying "What?! You've never seen (movie title)?!" hundreds of times.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 3, 2013
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
— Mae (@mzeld) February 23, 2013
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) May 24, 2011
I always tip the delivery guy an extra $2.00 if he doesn't look around for the other six people he thought the sushi would feed.
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 31, 2011
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
— famouscarb (@famouscrab) January 10, 2012
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) February 9, 2012
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 26, 2011
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian."
— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) October 4, 2011
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 9, 2013
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) May 24, 2013