8 Ways To Tell A Guy That You’re Pregnant (But Are Totally Open To An Abortion)

#ThisCouldBeUsBut let's keep things light, right? #aborsh (shutterstock)
#ThisCouldBeUsBut let’s keep things light, right? #aborsh (shutterstock)

Few things can undermine your image as a cool, laid-back, no-fuss girl like an unexpected pregnancy with the guy you’re sleeping with (you wouldn’t exactly call him a “boyfriend” because labels are confining and you aren’t into making anyone feel trapped, but like, you really care about each other.) Maybe it’s because you were trying not to be all uptight and annoying about condom use? Hard to say, really. Either way, it’s time to have a little talk. If you play this situation just right, you’ll not only escape with your casual image intact, you’ll have your guy bragging to all his friends about how “completely chill about abortion” you were. Basic bitches stay pregnant to try to get closer to a guy – real, down-to-earth chicks evacuate with enthusiasm as a fun bonding experience. Here’s how!

Mention it casually

Your dude is going to take emotional cues from you and only you in this moment – if you don’t make this whole “fetus” thing a big deal, he’ll be more relaxed about it. Just work it into the conversation: “So James and Mary invited us over for dinner on Thursday, and I’m taking a few loads to the laundromat tomorrow if you want to throw in anything, and you fertilized one of my eggs a few weeks ago and it’s now latched onto my uterine wall, and what do you think – thai for dinner?”

Do your research

Before you tell him you’re knocked up, get thee to Google, call up all the clinics in your area, find out who can remove your baby bubble on the double, and make an appointment. I mean, your man really respects an independent, motivated woman – he’s a feminist. When you spit out, “I’m pregnant, and I’ve made an appointment to become un-pregnant at [place] on [date] at [time]”, he’s panic will be nullified before it even sinks in, and he’ll fall more in love with you for being such a take-charge lady.

Give a real life example

Abortions have the worst reputation, so it’s understandable if your dude isn’t super jazzed about the idea right away. It’s up to you to change the narrative and make him see this as the fun, lighthearted adventure it could be. Tell him about your friend Sarah who had a “completely amazeballs” aborsh freshman year. She went, knocked the thing out, you all went out for celebratory/memorial milkshakes (RIParty, little non-baby!), and she got a prescription for Oxycodone when she complained really convincingly of lingering pain a few days later, which was a lie but then you all had ample pills for one crazy ass weekend.

Arm yourself with statistics

If there’s one thing men like, it’s numbers. Going into the whole “oops, somethin’ got in there” conversation armed with statistics about how overpopulated the world is and the economic/environmental strain it’s placing on the planet will more reinforce the idea that you aren’t some dumb girly girl (science! math! politics!) while not-so-subtly hinting that you’re into doing the socially responsible thing and nipping this shit in the bud.

Add a strategic wink

Throw in a deliberate wink and a knowing smile after telling your beau you’re pregnant. It’ll clue him in that you’re totally down with flushing that clown and remind him that you’re still the sexy, cute thing he wanted to bareback bang in the first place.

Offer a silver lining

Can someone say “slightly engorged breasts” and “no need for condoms until the clinic’s next available appointment in 8 days?”

Tell him during a blowjob

“Bad news is best delivered in muffled words from a dick-stuffed mouth.” – The Bible

Him: “I’m coming!”

You: “I’m pregnant!”

He’ll barely notice.

Work it into a rundown of recent sports scores

Sometimes the key to keeping big news from feeling overwhelming is to put it in terms someone can personally relate to. I don’t want to generalize and assume that all birth control deficient dudes are into sports, but if that applies to your sperminator, try slipping the news to him in a “by the numbers” way he can deal with. “The Hawks lost 102-95 to the Pistons, the Mets beat the Braves by 4, and my egg lost to your semen by at least one.” And if he gets upset about any of those numbers, just remind him that the seasons isn’t over yet – still time to turn it around, if you know what I mean. *wink* TC Mark

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