McDonald’s is your high school sweetheart. He’s the guy you dated because he was there, because he was familiar, because something about him always made you feel comfortable and safe. But the second you were faced with other options — even Burger King, the one-notch upgrade who went to the high school one town over and came to your prom — you realized that you never really liked McDonald’s that much to begin with. (But you still sometimes sleep with him out of habit, usually while drunk, and then immediately regret it.)
Subway is the guy you dated in college who thought he wasn’t like all the other douchebag bros because he was mildly health-conscious and had a slightly more nuanced personality. But the second you started seeing him, and got through the veneer of his “I’m not like these other guys” schtick, you realized he was just as bad for you as the rest of them. And not as satisfying.
You hook up with Taco Bell when you’re drunk. It’s one of those things where you don’t even try to make it into a legitimate relationship, because you know there’s never going to be anything of substance there, but you just can’t let it go. You think you’re totally over him, and then you go out with a couple girlfriends on 5 dollar sangria pitcher night, and somewhere between 11 PM and 3 AM, you text him “heyyy” and then before you know it, your hands are covered in Cheesy Gordita Crunch grease, and you hate yourself.
Chick Fil A
Chick-Fil-A is the extremely religious dude you once dated for like three months who was really intent on keeping his virginity, but also really intent on cheating that system by any means necessary. You went to bible study a few times to impress him, and pretended not to notice when he made weirdly homophobic comments, but eventually you broke it off. Even though he was really, really hot.
You slept with Sbarro’s once in the parking lot of a shopping mall and it will forever be your biggest regret. Now, every time you walk by Sbarro’s, every cell in your body cringes simultaneously, and you try to pretend like you don’t see it. But you see it, and you can still taste that salad bar-sadness.
In N Out
In N Out is the hot, hot dude you met online who lives on the West Coast, and even though you’ve never actually been together in real life, you’ve seen so many pictures of him and formed enough of a bond online that you feel like you know each other. And you know that if you two were ever to be in the same zip code, it would be an instant love affair, but since you’ve never actually gotten a chance to be together, you’ll never know for sure.
Arby’s is the bro you see occasionally when you’re visiting a friend a couple cities over. He seems to have an eighth-grade reading level, and being with him kind of feels wonderfully trashy, like the part of yourself comes out that your friends will never see. But you can’t bring him around anyone seriously, because he smells like horseradish.