25 Drinks And What They Should Actually Be Called

1. Bloody Mary: Slutty V8

2. Champagne: Looking Incredibly Classy And Chic While Getting Shithoused

3. Andre: Looking Incredibly Classy And Chic While Getting Shithoused, Extreme Couponing Edition

4. Light Domestic Beer: My Tastes And/Or Financial Standing Have Not Evolved Since Age 19

5. Green Juice: Make Sure Everyone Sees That You’re Drinking This, And Therefore Knows You’re Healthy

6. A Trenta-Sized Iced Latte: I Need 31 Full Fluid Ounces To Contain My Basic Bitch Multitudes

7. Mimosa: It’s Brunch, I Just Finished Soul Cycle, I Deserve This

8. Barefoot Wine: Come Over To My Apartment To Sit On My IKEA Couch And Discuss Being 23

9. Cupcake Wine: Come Over To My Apartment To Sit On My IKEA Couch And Discuss Being 25

10. Whiskey Neat: Time To Prove To This Bartender That I Am Cool As Shit

11. Cosmopolitan: I Could Not Care Less What This Asshole Bartender Thinks Of Me, I Want My Delicious Pink Cocktail

12. A Cup Of Black Tea: I Read John Green Books And Curate A Tumblr

13. Red Wine: My Tastes Are Evolved And My Teeth Are Entirely Stain-Resistant

14. Caiprinha: I’m Here To Get Drunk And Grind On Some Argentinian Men To Merengue, Get Out Of My Way

15. Dirty Martini: The Thinking Person’s Way Of Getting Totally Hammered

16. Frappucino: The Milkshake You Somehow Convince Yourself Isn’t Actually A Milkshake, But An Acceptable Coffee Beverage

17. Four Loko: Reliving Your Teenage Years By Vomiting Into Your Friend’s Purse

18. IPA: For The Bro With A Master’s Degree

19. Rosé: The Official Sponsor Of Girls Who Watch Real Housewives At The Gym

20. A Tiny Cup Of Espresso: Please Ask Me About My Recent Trip To Europe

21. Mexican Bulldog: Our Friend Is Getting Married And We Are Here To Get Alcohol Poisoning

22. Mojito: I Strongly Dislike This Bartender And Want To Make His Job More Difficult

23. Coconut Water: The Jizz-Colored Beverage Of Choice For Fashion Interns With Good Eyebrows And Yoga Instructors

24. Evian: Lol, OK

25. Long Island Iced Tea: No Time To Talk, Must Get Drunk Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Nothing goes better with bad dates than strong drinks. Read this.

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Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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