1. The Server Who Is Constantly Freaking Out
You’re never quite sure what he’s so upset about at any given minute, but it’s probably some combination of “they’re going to start firing people,” “the hostess overbooked my section,” “my ex came in with her new boyfriend,” or “we’re out of Diet Coke.” In any case, most people have just learned to ignore him, because listening to him talk while you’re trying to get your sidework done will only bring you clinical anxiety.
2. The Person Who Smokes 300 Cigarettes A Day
Whoever this person is, whatever job they are doing, all of it comes a distant second to the fact that they have a mandate from God to smoke fourteen packs of cigarettes per day. You can always find them out back, bunched over, sucking down a Pall Mall and avoiding the manager. (This would be fine, of course, if it didn’t mean that they got a disproportionate two hours’ worth of breaks compared to the non-smokers on the staff.)
3. The Really Cute Hostess
From what you can tell, her job is to stand there and look really good, and never seat people properly. She’s sort of like the “hot flight attendant from the 60s who makes customers feel good about their experience,” except she wears Bebe dresses and is constantly playing on her cellphone.
4. The Terrible Tipper
If they are ballsy enough to come back a second time, you know them the minute they walk through the door, and you all fight over who has to take them. They probably don’t tip badly enough that you can actually make a stink about it, but they tip just badly enough to make everyone’s lives a little worse. And somehow they always end up sending something back.
5. The Hotshot Chef
He’s probably read one or two too many city food magazines or watched a little too much Anthony Bourdain, and now everything he cooks has to have either a foam, gelee, or reduction on it. He has his sights set on every prize you can win and good review you can harvest, and nothing will get in his way. But at least you get to be his taste-tester.
6. The Dishwasher Who Is Definitely A Felon
No one asks about him, but everyone just kind of knows. He’s definitely a good guy, and he gets all his work done, but he has a lot of questionable tattoos and makes these extremely offensive/violent jokes that you’re pretty sure are at least 20 percent based in personal experience. It’s not that you don’t trust working around him, you just don’t want to get on his bad side, because it seems semi-likely that he would kill you.
7. The Creeper
The guy who hangs out around the end of the bar and hits on the female staff, or at least looks at them creepily from over the top of his beer (or cheap whiskey).
8. The Line Cook Who Doesn’t Speak, But Does An Amazing Job
No one in the restaurant has ever heard him speak. No one is even 100 percent sure of his name. But he is the chillest, most hard-working line cook on the staff, and he will always hook you up with a little something for free off the grill if you’re starving between double shifts. Just a little nod from this guy is worth a thousand words.
9. The Hot Waitress Who Never Does Her Own Sidework
Look, let’s be honest here, there is always one super-hot waitress on staff that every guy thinks he can get with (no), and somehow her sidework just always magically does itself, likely by every guy who thinks he can get with her (no). She’s usually not particularly friendly, but she doesn’t have to be. This restaurant, and its staff, is lucky to have her hotness. Her tips are always good and the bussers get to her tables first. Life is working out pretty well for Hot Waitress.
10. The Hot Asshole Bartender
Spiritual twin of the Hot Waitress is the Hot Asshole Bartender. His job entails thinking he’s the most important member of the staff, doing shots with the cute customers, getting hit on by groups of inebriated cougars, and occasionally making new servers cry when they give him redundant drink orders. Once you get to know him, his initial hotness will melt away in your eyes, and you will learn to hate when the two of you are on the same shift.
11. The Regular Who Is There More Than You
Does this guy have a job? A family? A home to go to? Who knows. All that matters is that he’s in there every day, without exception, usually ordering the same thing (and complaining loudly if it gets taken off the menu). Everyone knows exactly what to do when he comes in, and he usually tips pretty well. He’s basically just part of the restaurant decoration.
12. The Grizzled Veteran
This server — and it’s usually a woman in her late-40s or early-50s — is sort of the mother hen of the group. She probably has a couple kids, a couple scars, and she’s been through this restaurant, and the three that were there before it. She spends most of her time smoking her menthols, complaining about her estranged boyfriend/husband, and serving tables while calling customers “hun.”
13. The Person Who Quits After Two Shifts
What happened to them? Where did they go? They were all pumped up for their first training shift, completed it with ease, and then suddenly they were gone after the second. No one is sure, and no one even really knew their name, but everyone assumes there was just a negative run-in with Hot Asshole Bartender, and they gave up on the restaurant. Probably for the best.