Drink when ambivalence haunts you.

“That guy’s gotta stop. …He’ll see us.”

You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.

But there are the fears. And yes, life has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become.

And now, with a new name and the false, clean sense of erased history, he takes a train and joins his cousin in Georgia, where an untangled root of his…

The Sea And Cake is a shockingly dull band. All the band members must’ve gotten together and been like, “We want to make music that renders people unconscious. How do…

I would also like to state that I painstakingly took the time to test out your coconut cupcake and cream cheese frosting boxed mix, and just have to wonder: is…

Instead of only recognizing the awards, scholarships, and honors bestowed upon graduates by professors, let’s include some student-voted awards, like “Most Undistinguished Track Record of Questionable Hookups” and “Outstanding Achievement…

The first time you notice him you won’t really notice him at all. He’s a little bit too short, a little bit too soft in the middle. You’ll feel him…

When we think about long-distance relationships, what do we think of? Probably two lovers who’ve been separated by school, work, or some other inconvenience and breathlessly await the few visits…

“Hey darling,” with a pat on the hip and then an inappropriate amount of lingering after the pat, “Another Jack and Coke, if you would!” (You’ll want to tell him…

After spending most of our lives being able to dress however we pleased, we’re now entering a time when we actually have to start considering whether or not an outfit…

The kiss was not well-executed. Our foreheads were interlocked, attempting to preclude the act. She was rubbing my temples, my shoulders, relaxing the malaise out of my muscles, working to…

I have fond memories of stomping in squishy rain boots through the gale that was Hurricane Irene singing “Come on IRENE,” which was mind-blowingly original, if I do say so…

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us…

It would be nice if we praised people for their ugliness — and called it what it was — because to slap some makeup on them for a photoshoot and…

I walked up a set of stairs and into the doctor’s office that looked more suited to treat broken surfboard leashes than patients. Everything about the décor drew inspiration from…

You want to be able to look back on it fondly and visit it often, but at least at this point in your life, you don’t want it to define…

You can’t survive in the modern world without some basic texting comprehension skills. In fact, they should really start offering it as a major at some liberal arts college. At…

This song is so infectious, it melts even the coldest of hearts. (Read: Bloggers.) Are you in a fight with someone? Sit down in a room together and play this…

Ah, the good old finger bang.

You’re going to feel like the air suddenly has more oxygen, I don’t know; something is going to kick your blood into coursing and you’ll feel very almost painfully awake.…

You have absolutely no school spirit. You’re pretty sure your school’s colors are a light color and a dark color, but you can remember which ones. You also think your…

Commitment to family isn’t demonstrated by blindly opening your emotions, health, and time to individuals whose commitment to you was genetically determined. The beauty of family is when people make…

For the sake of authenticity, television shows should have characters who aren’t busy spewing dialogue, utilizing their iPhones and Droids regularly.

Similar to the Taylor Swift school of “you’re only as good as your totally awesome virginity,” there exists this theory in rom coms that women are essentially passive ducks waiting…

Thank you for always being closest to me even when we were in separate time zones and separate stages of life. Thank you for not letting us get split by…

You convince yourself you’re not giving up, just putting it on hold, and that this is the mature thing to do. You are proud of yourself for being so wise,…

No one likes a flake — and no one wants to try and hang out with one, because that usually results in hanging out alone. But I’m a flake, at…

They don’t respect your time. Right NOW is the opportune moment for that tedious task/remodeling project/huge argument, damn it, screw your econ exam or flight that leaves in two hours.

You make your coffee so strong no one else will drink it and other people will actually beg you not to make coffee.

They don’t tell you that one day you will break down and cry, not just cry, but really and truly red-face runny-nose sob in the middle of the Nordstrom shoe…

You won’t seem desperate! And even if you do, who cares? This person is obviously not the one for you if they can’t handle a punctual text. COULD YOU REALLY…

If you can’t make it to something, be honest and say why. I’d rather hear someone be honest and say “I hate that place,” or “I have no money,” than…

Pick up some items, including a few things you would never try on anywhere else. Whatever, these high-waisted zebra print pants are 16 bucks, and no one you know is…

Date someone who wants what you want, who is open to the idea of the relationship you desire with another human being. You need to be with people who are…

There is quite possibly nothing more irritating and homicidal-feelings-inducing than being somewhere with your girlfriend and having some unimaginative weirdo ask “So who’s the guy?”

You don’t ever ask for a channel change, or anything that requires someone to go slightly out of his or her way. You grin and complain about it under your…

From dawn until dusk, the kids of that show just ran around what appeared to be Harlem, or one of Brooklyn’s less artisan cheese shop-filled neighborhoods, with complete impunity.

The advice includes making sure you have “a black lace bra” and “an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.” (Because those are the items women need to lead…

Everything about this person screams “almost” — you “almost” dated; you “almost” fell in love; you “almost” changed your life to be near them; you “almost” drifted through life without…

Look, kids in the suburbs. I get it. There’s not a whole lot to do other than invent new ways to get messed up. I was a teenage “rebel” once.…

I mean, I had always grown up knowing that men similar to me (such as Jay-Z) always prefer their women in “no panties and jeans, that’s so necessary,” but I…

Think of flirting as a brain exercise. You have to work out the muscle that helps people fall in love with you! And the less serious you take it, the…

Tumblr is the black hole of all things socialization, and there is no such thing as “recreational use.” You will be blessed with all the Dr. Who and Supernatural screenshots…

Hey y’all! Hot Or Not is dead. It died. But in its place will be a new special video every week, starting with this little ditty about straight men and…

In our culture, sex outside of a monogamous relationship is typically frowned upon. We think it’s wrong, make all kinds of assumptions about the people engaging in it and like…

This person can explain electricity, the Pythagorean theorem, and why leap year exists, but the one question to which they have no answer is why they’re single. And they want…

If you work in a store that uses a playlist of fewer than 100 songs for in-store music, you will probably show up for work one day wearing a trench…

Two days after my mother had cradled a small piece of happiness in her hand, her body performed its most treacherous act and unraveled that knotted ball of chromosomes. Mitosis…