So you’re in college. You’re working towards a degree which doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get a job afterwards, but what else are you going to do with your life? And do you even want to get a real adult job? Going to school for 17+ years only to find yourself thrust into work life from 9 am to 5 pm every day? That doesn’t sound all that appealing. The life of a housewife sounds so much better, am I right? Raising kids, cleaning the house, cooking meals, running errands, having book club every Thursday night, brunch on Tuesday mornings, getting your hair and nails done biweekly. That sounds like a life of luxury compared to whatever field of work your degree is pushing you towards. So how can any of this actually happen without working for a source of income? Ladies, it’s called the MRS degree and it’s exactly what you’re looking for.

What is the MRS degree you might ask? Plain and simple: marriage. Marriage to a sucker who’s going to support you for the rest of your life. Sure, right now, daddy might be funding your entire existence, but he won’t be forever. Once you are cut off from the financial umbilical cord between you and your parents, there’s no better idea than to become dependent on another man. That’s exactly where college comes into play. Don’t worry about the financial burden of college. Maybe your parents are still willing to fund this for you even though you’re technically a legal adult or if they have already cut the cord, student loans abound. It might start to look ugly once you hit six figures of debt, but despair not. The MRS degree will take care of that.

Before I tell you how YOU should act, let me tell you what kind of man you should be looking for. NEVER settle for anything less than the following degrees: pre-med/med, law, engineering, business. And honestly, don’t even bother unless he’s getting this degree from an Ivy League school. If he’s not at an Ivy League, I suppose schools like Stanford, Duke, U of Chicago, MIT, or Vanderbilt would also work. He should also come from at least a middle class family. The higher the family income, the better. Try to find out if his mother was a stay at home mom or not, that’ll be a good indicator as to whether or not he’ll be amenable to your goal.

So how do you get one of these magical degrees? I’m here to tell you. YOU’RE WELCOME.

1. Go into a major dominated by girls.

Prime example: education. Not to bash on an education degree or anything. I find it very admirable that some people are willing to take on the huge responsibility of educating our youth (ie. the future). However, having an education degree will set you up for not ever working once you obtain the real degree you want (MRS). Here’s the strategy to an education degree. It gives you all the basic necessities to being a good mother. This shows any man that could potentially provide you with the MRS degree that you love kids, you’re nurturing, and you’ll know how to educate his spawn. Bonus points if you plan on being a Kindergarten teacher: this shows that you can do arts and crafts and are not daunted by the task of wiping snot off the face of a four year old. Do you catch my drift? This is the best way to show a college man that you’re prime mother material.

2. Join a sorority.

While there are boundless negative stereotypes about Greek Life, there are also benefits from it. It’ll show that again, you’re artsy and like crafts therefore you’re future home will be nothing short of gorgeous. It also shows a potential husband that you get along well with other women, thus you’ll most likely get along with his mother (or at least be able to fake getting along with his mother). Sororities are also really involved in volunteer work and philanthropies so this shows him that you’re good natured.

3. Always, always, always dress your best.

You never know when you’re going to finally meet the man who’s going to give you your MRS. Burn those sweatpants right this instant. Donate any clothes that you might have considered wearing in middle school. During the day, you need to look professional yet casual, put together without trying too hard. Your hair must always be done, non-negotiable. Same goes for the makeup. No man is going to see you as desirable wife material if you can’t even look decent during business hours, even if you do have an 8 am calculus class. Jewelry is a bonus; I know women who won’t leave the house without their pearls. Night wear is a bit trickier. You want to look just the right amount of slutty. If you go overboard he’ll see you as a slutty trashy girl who would be fun to hookup with for one night and then pretend to not know about your existence the next day. On the other hand, if you don’t look slutty enough, he’ll think you’re a prude. And who’s going to approach a girl who looks like she’s trying to be the next Mother Teresa? Yeah, not your future husband. He wants a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets, trust me.

4. Once you find a guy who seems like prime potential, lock him down.

But not in a creepy way. Make sure he’s the one who asked for YOUR number. Once he texts you, wait at least half an hour to respond. Make it light, carefree, and just a little bit flirty. If you go overboard and text him back immediately with an over enthusiastic response, just give up right then. Might as well be a cat lady for the rest of your life at that point. If you seem too eager, it’s a red flag. Nobody wants a stage five clinger. Play hard to get, but not too hard.

5. If you’ve moved past the texting stage, congratulations.

You’ve probably had your first date. Hopefully you didn’t blow it by being too eager. Don’t let your true intentions of obtaining an MRS degree show. He literally shouldn’t know about that until after the marriage has been consummated. To him, you should be ambitious, goal-oriented, passionate about having your own life. Don’t sound too independent though, that might throw him off and make him think you’re planning on ACTUALLY having your own life. Let him know how family oriented you are. That’s a sure-fire way of subliminally letting him know that you plan on being a stay at home mother for his spawn.

6. Yay, you’ve made it past the awkward first stages of dating.

He’s your boyfriend now. You’re in safer territory, but don’t get too comfortable. You don’t have a ring yet. Be social together; show him you know how to network so he knows that in the future, when he takes you to his business dinners, you can be trusted to make a good impression. Start subtly doing things for him, ie. making him dinner/lunch, occasionally doing his laundry, remind him of things he needs to do. However, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT become his mother. The minute he thinks you’re nagging is the minute it’s over. Find a balance between nagging mother and caring girlfriend. If you find yourself in a fight with him, be as complacent as possible. A little passive aggressive won’t hurt too much, but make sure the fight doesn’t last more than a day and a half. If he ends up apologizing first, make him a baked good to show him how much you appreciate him. If you apologize first, make sure it’s followed by good makeup sex. Never raise your voice. NEVER. You’ll come off as bitchy and free-spirited, not characteristics that help you towards your MRS.

7. You’ve graduated college.

Finally. At this point, your relationship should be so established that you’re either moving in together or are actually engaged by now. If you’ve graduated and he hasn’t ended things yet, you’re basically his wife now. All that’s left to do is sign that marriage license and get to the chapel. You’re on your own now. I’ve given you the guide to getting your MRS degree, how you use it is up to you.

Godspeed.