1. You start incorporating the word “tinder” into everyday life in as many creative ways as possible. See: Tinderella, Shiver Me Tinders, “It’s goin’ down, I’m yellin’ tinderrrr, you better move, cause imma swipe.”
2. You start having minor freak outs about height. “I’ve been talking to this guy for two weeks, and I don’t know how tall he is. Can I ask? I’m gonna ask. Shit, I can’t ask. I mean you can’t just ASK someone how tall he is. Whatever, I did it, he’s 5’11.”
3. You come across your friend and/or someone you hooked up with in, like, 2009. “Is it weirder if I swipe left or right? Oh, well, look at that, we’re a match. Riddle me that. Hah. Please don’t message me, please don’t message me, please don’t…heyyyyy what’s up…”
4. You start trying to magically find out someone’s last name solely based on one specific fact you’ve picked up from them. “Well he was number 7 on a baseball team in 1999, so I’m just googling all the rosters.”
5. You begin to realize it’s the most ridiculous, superficial app in the entire world. But, alas. You. Can. Not. Stop. Swiping.
6. You accidentally swipe someone left when you meant to swipe right, and cannot be consoled for no reason other than, “I lost the hot one!”
7. You struggle to come up with a witty opening line based on their four word description about themselves. “Camping AND surfing?? Is there anything you DON’T do?”
8. You begin to loathe photos with sunglasses or babies in them. “Is that their kid? Take your sunglasses off, I can’t see your face! Only two pictures?!! COME ON.”
9. You start name dropping your mutual friends like they’re celebs. “Oh, you know Ashley? Cool, yeah, same.” End scene.
10. You check out the person’s tinder you went on a date with last night, you know, just to see if they’ve been active…wait…12 hours ago?? Were you tindering while I was in the bathroom? WHO ARE YOU?
11. You drastically jump back and forth from having impossibly high standards (blonde hair or get the fuck out) to swiping right on every single person, because c’mon, everyone deserves a chance. You can overlook the fact s/he took a selfie in the bathroom with their iPad! You can totally work on it!
12. You develop social anxiety any time you meet someone new. “Have I seen this person on tinder before? Have they seen me? Oh God, this is awkward.”
13. You start defending your tinder usage by saying things like this: “It’s just a time waster, you know?” “I just want to see who’s on it!” “It’s not like I ACTUALLY message people.” Lies! You lie!
14. You live in the limbo of, “Do I want to give this person my number and text? Or should I just resort to checking my tinder every hour on the hour? This is awful. I hate myself. Oh fuck ya, got a message.”
15. And lastly, you swipe right, wait for a second, and..nothing happens. What the actual fuck is this about? Why am I not receiving the “You’ve Matched” message? Tinder must be broken. Or maybe it’s that one pic I have that’s kind of blurry? Yeah that pic has GOT to go. Time to take a #selfie.