When I worked at Sam’s Club, during the madness one black Friday morning, we caught a woman stuffing the inside of her pants with frozen lobster tail. She would unpack…

He is desensitized to face-to-face interactions.

Yes, over time you might come to understand the nature of the world as cruel and apathetic to you, to human beings—and this is undoubtedly a painful and terribly hard…

“We spelled love, g-i-v-e, I never wanted to hide my body from him – if I could have I would have given it all away with the rest of me…

I could write a thesis on binge watching but that’s boring and I’m not going to do that. What I am going to do is give you some of my…

I caught my ex hyperventilating into a pair of my soiled boxer briefs when she thought she was alone.

1. Your Dreams

Primrose Everdeen: Since the last games, something is different. I can see it. Katniss Everdeen: What can you see? Primrose Everdeen: Hope. You know, you could live a thousand lifetimes…

Live in a city where the unsaid motto reads, “you don’t work, you don’t eat,” and then back yourself into that corner.

A relative of mine is a nurse. One day she was doing a pelvic exam on a morbidly obese woman. She lifted up one of the lady’s fat rolls for…

You just have to take a great leap of faith and trust that it will.

Getting over an ex can really drive you crazy.

Get used to your hair texture. You really can’t change it, and chances are someone out there is super jealous of it.

The patron then began ranting about customer service, human decency, and how it was impossible to find a good cup of coffee anymore. She then stormed out, leaving her “awful”…

You have a sneaking suspicion that one of the biggest reasons they’re still dating you is because they aren’t ready to part ways with your pet.

Within my fingertips, I hold the power to instantly make anyone feel anxiety.

7. Have something going on your television that would be on even if you weren’t drinking.

A lot of people around the world have ideas of what America is like, possibly thanks to Hollywood, or their local news channels, and maybe from what they’ve heard from…

Most everyone dreams each and every night, it’s just that often we don’t recognize we’re dreaming and we don’t register it as anything important.

Eating your veggies first, then the rest of the things on your plate (so you’ll be less hungry for buttery mashed potatoes or BBQ pork).

When you realize that a relationship is more about convenience than desire.

I really love laundromats. Truly, I do.

I hear you’ve been brushing up on your idioms. Well, have you tried to use Google translate on some of them? Quite bizarre, aren’t they?

1. My list Daniel Day Lewis, Aung San Suu Kyi, Sofia Coppola (or Marilyn Monroe), Shakespeare and Gautama Buddha. 2. Adrienne McQueen Jared Leto, Julian Assange, Sandra Bullock, Alex Proyas…

I saw J-Lo in the Bronx, she was with Ben Affleck and some other people in a Bodega. A teenage girl asked for her autograph and she said no. The…

My Great Grandfather was sent over to Prague at the end of WWII. He was working at a place that was cataloguing all of the stuff that was being pulled…

Frat boys are so homoerotic sometimes I can’t stand it. Just spank each other, already. I won’t try to stop you!

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in a long-shot.” – Charlie Chaplin

What I handed him looked like it had been places. And it had.

3. Neat Men With Good Cleaning Habits Get Laid More Often

5. Look Up Photos Of Successful People When They Were Nobodies

The novelty of the 21st birthday wears off quickly.

Dad took me by the arm and shoved me onto the floor. He started kicking me. He kicked, and kicked, and kicked. Each time I would try to get up…

Lisa Frank was the Banksy of middle school fashion. I have no idea how her stuff isn’t still popular.

23. You find it immensely tough to get a drink without having to walk through a particularly rough gauntlet of people you really don’t want to say hi to. Is…

1. Mystery shoppers give retail workers trust issues for life.

You’re welcome, internet.

Wine > vodka.

t has been exactly 1 year, 1 month and 2 days since we broke up. 13 months. 56 weeks. 398 days. 9552 hours. 573,120 minutes. 34,387,200 seconds.

The scariest thing about falling in love is the uncertainty.

Recently re-emerging into the dating scene, I had to reevaluate what I was looking for in guys. Is it how he dresses this time? How are his views on Sriracha?

I wake up with a hot knife searing my jaw apart.

Wake up, Dorothy. We’re not in junior high anymore.

Openly supporting child labor, printing controversial phrases on bags, a racist origin to the company name, sexist viewpoints and philosophies, extreme markup on their product, defective inventory, and stating that…

Finish your drink every time Taissa Farmiga’s character murders a boy with her vagina.

I have always liked P!nk best when she is pissed off and angry at the patriarchy.

If your dude is a man child, then he’ll have grand ambitions, ambitions he mentions, sporadically and vaguely, while smoking a joint. And ambitions he has never once acted on.

“It’s okay, I’m a MILF, I can do whatever I want.”

I worked in a steak restaurant and my co worker lost her ID at the bar next door one night after work, one week later a girl came in and…